Everyone's been asking me how I am dealing with the closing of KISS ME KATE. I'm fine......
Don't get me wrong, I'm sad but I'm not curled up in a ball in the basement humming, "Another Openin' ".....it was such a wonderful experience, but I was EXHAUSTED! I'm still exhausted. It was the first time I've ever played a real lead character who was onstage consistently and had 3 very difficult, belt-a-licious songs. And I am so proud to say I did it alongside an EXTREMELY seasoned and talented cast , especially my 3 fellow principal actors who were the best of the best. I was...I am, SO lucky. But again, it was VERY difficult and I looked forward to (every night) the end of "Always True To You" every night. Not only in the hopes that I would give people their moneys worth and they would see that I truely love what I do, but also ....because I just couldn't wait for my work to be done :) I had a degree of paralyzing fear inside of me every single performance until that last song was over, but ( I believe) every night I did it. And I pulled it off. And the pride I take with me from that is immeasurable. I'll never forget it.
Everyone's also asking me, "What's next for you?" .....well I don't know about that. I finally seem to have found the drive and the courage to put together an "act" for myself. This is something I've been dreaming of for a long time now. I questioned if I was capable, worth watching, old enough ....I mean I questioned everything. But I am surrounded by love; by a validation and sincerity I've never known. And there's no more , "Why?" it's only, "Why not?". So I'm going to make it happen. I've been encouraged to look around, and explore my options where performing goes. And yes, that's the thing to do sometimes and it's wonderful if and when you have many options. At the same token, I like familiarity. I like to have a "family"...I like the family I've found. It has been my dream, since I was a kid, to work at the Ritz. It was the people (many of whom I worked alongside in KISS ME KATE and THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE) who I saw perform at The Ritz, that made me want to perform in the first place. So when I walk through the door (or fall down the stairs) at The Ritz and people know my voice when I call out to them, and Bruce gives me a hug and I get to hold Kim's hand, share a dressing room with Brian, stretch and vocalize onstage....you name it. I'm beside myself. There's a song in the Yeston/Kopit PHANTOM called "Home" and it says,
"All my life I've been waiting in my mind in a rocking chair
For my Fancy to take me where I would know the time
...... I would know the place
Skin would tingle and pulse would race as they do..it's here I'm Home
Where Music fills the air and I'm home where a thousand lovers cry , swoon and sigh.....
and If I sing with all my heart, I'll be home"
Well I feel like I'm home. And I'll continue to grow and maybe I'll stretch my wings but I'm also happy and I'm happy without feeling like I've settled. I feel like people don't take me for granted and there's constantly an opportunity to explore all the things I love. Singing, Acting, Comedy, Writing....I feel more and more artistically satisfied. I'm constantly growing, and how wonderful is that? I was sitting in Nat's dressing room and I said, "you know I know I'll never be an ingenue, I get it..." and Nat looked at me and said, "well who do you think you are? You are the ingenue in this show. No question." ....I almost died. I felt like screaming, "Look Ma! I'm an ingenue!" What a kick!
Moving On...
One of the best things about not being in KISS ME KATE (or any show really) is that you get your life back. But along with this comes the sadness of being away from a cast of people you grow to love. Not seeing them all, especially B Rivs on a daily basis is trying....the man is my brother, my dad, my bob fosse, the Ike to my Tina......so Saturday the Rivells killed many birds with a stone covered in glitter and mini blueberry muffins. Yes, it was open house for the Collingswood Holiday Parade. And although it was a lot for me to wake up at 8am it was well worth it. Bagels, coffee, kids, dogs, life partners and the would-be surrogates who love them, all gathered to enjoy (and make fun of) the Collingswood "elite". It was glorious. Brian and I ran after tootsie rolls being thrown from children like Jeff Conaway hobbles after oxycotin. Melissa played papparazzi and I attempted to stand next to one of those weird carney guys with a Monkey.....I just wanted to stand next to him. HE decided to place the monkey on my head. I rationalized I've experienced worse moments with middle aged men, could a monkey and the arm of a middle aged carney be any worse?
A car caught on fire. And we laughed. I tried to explain to Brian and Paula what 2 Girls 1 Cup is but Emily was hanging on our every word and then announced she'd like to star in , "once on this island"......then Colin sang selections from "The Woman in White" (jk...but he did do a stunning rendition of Too Darn Hot that gave his father a run for the money).
Thanksgiving was fun as usual. It's always "fun" to be cornered by your mother in the car.
The good news is that it gave she and I the opportunity to talk...really talk. She asked me what I had to do Friday...if I would be picking Erica up from the train. I said, "yea after I go visit Brian" (my brian, not b rivs) ...shockingly we both lived through that admission. And I explained myself...and I couldn't get over how she actually listened to me. She told me the truth but she saw my side, and more importantly she saw our love for one another. And though I know she's not thrilled (as many aren't) with our decision she is, as I am, cautiously optimistic. And more importantly, supportive.
I saw Brian on Friday as usual....I almost didn't get in because apparently, "fashion forward" is not a phrase commonly used in the Philadelphia HOC. I almost wasn't allowed in because my black longsleeved shrug can be considered a coat. But my eyes filled up, my face turned purple, and I said, "I wear this in here ALL the time, it's a SHRUG, not a COAT! I wore a coat, this is a shrug!" ....The male correctional officer, they called in to play Tim Gunn announced I could wear it if I wrapped in around my waist and put my cinch belt over it. When this was all said and done I told him he was brilliant, because in the end, it looked better that way! I gave Brian a hug and a kiss and he said, "baby, were you crying" and I sat down and told him the heidi klum "auf wiedersein" horror of it all. But we were fine. We were together. It was an incredibly short visit compared to the last one...last time, by some miracle we had an entire hour and a half together. This time it was a half hour , IF that (the warden was over our PDA....seriously, did I just utter that sentence?) but Brian told me something that meant so much to me. He gave me the lyrics to "unchained melody" and it's not like I don't know them...it's not like he had them written in sand script...but he just repeated them to me and I heard them and my heart just filled up. I can't wait to see him tomorrow.
So...
You may have seen me on the CBS 4pm news. I was the crazed Nanny, child in tow , running back and forth behind Meteorologist, Kathy Orr. You call it crazy but that kid got her start in show biz early and when she wins a subscriber's choice, I'll be laughin' all the way to the Manor to buy her her first Nacho's Grande! SUCKAS! There was also a grown man dressed as an elf who announced this was his 10th year as "Sprinkles" the Elf and I called my mother and said, "this is why I don't try to work full time as an actress, because I don't want to announce to my friends that I'm in my 10th year as "Sequins" the Elf in order to pay my rent during the Holiday Season.
Stay Tuned
XOXO
JAC
