Slightly Streep-y

I just got home from rehearsal.  Ah, rehearsal.  Most people wear sweat pants....jazz pants, sneakers, maybe a character shoe here and there....what did I wear tonight?

Black mini dress, black tights, and black suede 4 inch stiletto boots. WHY? I DON'T KNOW!  I am just a lunatic and feel the need to over compensate so people aren't saying, "she's Lois Lane?"....granted, I probably shouldn't worry anyway...I mean, I made it didn't I? And I should compensate by using my talent and working hard to make this role great...which I AM but still...I feel boots are required.

AND SO....after Mark and I tweeked "Always True To You.." several times we had to go pick up a cast memeber from the Speedline....Mark needed directions, I said I'd help. My sister texts me (its always her fault...kidding) and I'm texting back , and walking , which CLEARLY I should've known I can't do two things at once...as I make my way down the scary stairs...I fall. 

I FALL. And try as I may....I can't STOP FALLING. SO I start SCREAMING , "NO NO NO NO NO"....like that's gonna help. In my mind, two thoughts kept playing: "I have no health insurance and I'm about to rip my face off on these stairs" and "I am going on stage even if I am left with a claw hand and skin grafts...I AM GOING ON STAGE" ...luckily, Mark was at the foot of the stairs and caught me. I don't know how. It must've looked like an elephant clad in Marc Jacobs' fall line falling at him.  NIGHTMARE. I immediately began shaking. It was nerves. It was fear. It was the idea of my fat ass falling at Mark replaying in my head like, "Rhythm of the Night" in a gay bar....it was everything. 

I have never heard Bruce's feet move SO FAST in my life. Everyone wanted me to be still and make sure I was ok...which was lovely. I, on the other hand....I wanted to go to Taco Bell....eat a crunch wrap....and then die. I went with Mark to pick up CJ instead.

....so now I am home. I'm going to listen to something sad and cry, because I am mortified.

ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED.

I thought I was physically ok but each minute that passes I feel something else that hurts....charming.

So far, visibly, my left hand is a but F'd up and my left knee is bruised....my necks starting to hurt but....I don't know. What can you do???

If Lois Lane has to go onstage with a bedazzled neck brace...you bet your ass that's what she'll do!

Character Choices, people. That's what we've got to make.

So yea....moral of the story is...

I will no longer attempt to shower, shave, re-apply make up and put on CRAZY club clothes for blocking rehearsals...or any rehearsals really....

now my back hurts.

OY

Stay Tuned

JAC

Used 2 Love U

Coming to you LIVE from my dining room...where I am sipping a delicious freshly brewed , french pressed cup of Verona coffee , and wearing a blue knit cap with a navy pom pom on top of it (It's inspiring, ok), sitting chatting with Kelly (the one who's never seen Dirty Dancing) and listening to Franki whine.  

Yesterday I laid incredibly low.....sadly there was no shit tv on whatsoever....so unfair.  When Erica came home we bitched and moaned briefly about life and politics and vaginas and then we got up off our own vaginas and went grocery shopping.  Wegmans after dark......

What a hell hole. All these angry women...not in the mood to make dinner but troubling themselves anyway.  Lots of smug marrieds....who wish they weren't;  checking out my best friend and I , as we cruise the salad bar talking to each other like lesbian lovers because it amuses us. It's fun. The staff at Wegmans are incredibly kind...I don't know why. If I worked there...I'd be angrier than my cat when Josh tried to pet him while he was shitting.  We came home and made a buffet of delights....and I think that was a wise choice because there was so much before us, we basically only ate a couple bites of whatever and then we were done.  We rented Juno...for what it costs to buy skim milk...bastards.  That movie is immaculate.  I painted my nails spitefully black....because now I can.  And I love it.  And clearly when I watched porn later I was all about myself.  Fierce. 

Romance.....thats the next frontier I plan to conquer.  One upside (well , up for me) to a bad break-up is that usually .....if you're slightly mentally healthy, you're probably not out there looking for your next great love...but for your next great lover.  I don't need FEELINGS right not. Just a lot of lust and chocolate and R&B and a little candle wax and biting. Sadly , this is a time I wish I didn't live in NJ because there's no WAY you're gonna get a decent booty call in these parts. So the only thing to do is cut back on carbs, throw on a pencil skirt and some gloss and get crack a lackin'.  So I put on my "Back to Black" album and that's what I fully intend to do. BITCHES!

Now it's off the the Apple store to fight at the Genius Bar.

Stay Tuned

Jac

The Lies of Me....

It's a sick day for me. I had planned to blog last night....but I started getting sick Wednesday night and by Thursday...there was a full blown attack of the post nasal drip. Post Nasal Drip....mayhaps my LEAST favorite of symptoms. Maybe its because I'm a singer, but that feeling like there's a bog ol' HOLE in your throat and you can't hock that mess of nasty out of your throat....what a nightmare.  I obviously caught this bird flu from my little chicken that I'm with everyday.  She's sick and sneezy...and her favorite time/place to sneeze is when she's about to give me a kiss and looking me in the face.  And I can't get upset because...she means well.  But anyways...here I lie, on my couch. Just me and the ladies of the VIEW.  And I've got much to update everyone on....

It's been a week of bad.  A whole lotta' bad.  

My cold. My break-up. Learning I am living a lie. XANADU closing. And Pat O'Brien is fired from The INSIDER.  It's overwhelming.  

I was getting ready to go out for Runway night at Joey's and explaining to my roomates how my "progressive" mother managed to explain the many adult theme's in Dirty Dancing to me.  When Cynthia Rhodes , "Penny", has her abortion, clearly at the tender age of 3 while cruising around naked in my Barbie car, I was clueless as to how Penny got that way. So I asked, "Mommy...why is Penny BLEEDING!?"....and Mkb responded with, "she fell....she fell down the stairs and hit her stomach on a table." CASE CLOSED.  For YEARS I believed this.  And as a result, became quite terrified of stairs AND the corners of tables everywhere.  I literally never found out the truth until I was probably 14.  I was shocked. But I was about to be Gobsmacked when Kelly, my best friend and roomate announced, "I've never seen it...".....Never seen WHAT!?? An Abortion? A Table? No. Kelly had never seen Dirty Dancing.  I was dumbfounded.  How had I been friends with this person for the better part of the last 12 years...how was I sleeping with a mere wall between us....HOW!???! HOW!??? I reached for the laptop and began to read my "top movies" from my facebook...90% of which Kelly had not seen. INCLUDING , but not limited to....Gone With the Wind, Mystic Pizza, Mean Girls, THE BIG CHILL. I was in a hell unlike any I had ever known....but I had to leave to go to Runway. Not without inforcing that in the NEAR future a day of movies will take place.  It has to. I can't live this lie.

Next. Broadwayworld broke the sad news....XANADU has announced it is closing. The news itself is treacherous enough...but there are no reasons.  WHY?? WHY? is this happening. To the best of my knowledge the show is still fiercely popular and packed.  SO....to quote Queenie, "how did we come to this?!". I don't understand. I just know it hurts. It hurts so bad.  

So I just went out to get gas, check my oil, and buy the neccessary items to soothe the sickness.  I went to what looked like a nice, relatively inexpensive little gas station. Boy, was I wrong. 20 MINUTES LATER.  Dear God. I am not a mechanic. I'm not! I don't KNOW how much oil I need...that's why I came to you. I am sick, I am wearing my Eponine hat and my glasses are pinching my nose so tight that I look like Fivel instead.  It was just not helping the situation.  Add Shirley, the degenerate salesperson at Rite Aid into the mix and I'm lucky I made it back to the futon.  

I did have a glimmer this week....

Remember that heinously wonderous public access show on CN8, "Seeking Solutions with Suzanne"....starring senior citizen, Suzanne Roberts??  Well I do. My friend Mike Coon performed selections from various episodes everyday during High School lunch.  "will you watch me and gimme some TIPS!"....or "WHAT IS TAI CHI!?" Brilliant.  Well as I was strolling with my little charge in Rittenhouse, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Suzanne..sitting ..with a black toy poodle (clearly). I said, "shut the hell up)....rather loudly. Suzanne is all but deaf and she totally heard me. I used the kid to my advantage...because old people can't resist a cute baby. And I got to tell Suzanne what a huge fan I am. It was a big moment for everyone....even the poodle.  

On a serious note.  I ended something....we ended something...our relationship this Monday.  It was a long time coming sadly.  Really.  It hasn't been right for...actually I don't know that it was ever right.  I went into something fully knowing I was never going to be loved by this person but constantly looking forward, thinking in future-tense of how wonderful things would be when he did this, or when he realized that , or when he got over this and that. It's a mistake I think many of us make. Seeing someone's potential for them; you can't.  Just like you can't save someone...well maybe you can.  But I don't know that you should.  I feel quite hollow on the inside when I think of what now? Who now? ......It's incredibly hard to know you feel a certain way and the other person feels a flat line.  Especially when what you feel is love.  Combine it with the fact that...I thought I knew the score.  Initially what we had? An affair essentially. I could do that, I could handle that. There were rules to the game.  Once you're in a relationship....and further more once you're in love, what are the rules?  It makes me sick at how much we talked and talked and talked and nothing was said.  I allowed someone to take out all their pain from their past on me...thinking that martyrdom would make me loveable.  It just made me pathetic.  I never asked for anything. I never made demands for fear of pushing him away and as a result spend most of the "relationship" (what a bullshit word) being miserable and developing ulcers. Lovely.  As always I allowed a handful of good times to overshadow an incredible amount of dissatisfaction.  It makes me sad. I found someone who made me happy. Who I , at the time, profoundly respected. Because of him and who he was I believed that you could find adventures even being with the same person....maybe that was because we never saw eachother or maybe there was a genuine excitement about being with him.  I don't know.  I feel extremely cheated.  I feel angry.  I don't know how I earned this...I really don't.  Somehow I got someone else's karma...won't say who...but its baffling to me.  I never even met this person.  

I think maybe, as an adult, this was the first time I had ever been in love. So it's extremely depressing and very bittersweet.  I feel cynical where love's concerned...and I hate that.  That's what I want to get away from the most....that feeling that all this love I felt, a love that literally at one point brought me to my knees, is just useless. It has nowhere to go.  There's nowhere I can put it. I certainly don't want it. I'm sick of feeling overwhelmed by it.  Everyday it will dissipate a little more....time heals everything.  

Stay Tuned.

Jac

One Night at the Jellical Ball.....

I have serious issues when it comes to going out.

Being a 20-something with limited funds I get slightly nervous about going somewhere new (I'm literally ashamed of myself typing this right now) and spending money and then the overwhelming disdain I will feel about life in general when I inevitably end up hating it. 

I get the same way about new foods in restaurants. I know...I hate myself even more than you possibly could. Believe me.  Oddly enough (well its not that odd) ...when someone else is payin' I would feel too much of a douche to turn down something new and inevitably end up LOVING the new thing I try.  

Moral of the story.....Money can buy you an eclectic cheese plate....and you might love it. But if it's your money buying the cheese plate, you might hate it and miss out on a really great pair of shoes. But moving on.

So back to my issues with going out...my friends Melissa (first shout out), Dann, and Josh wanted to go "out". In sojo this means...."go to Philly"...in Gay SoJo this means "go to philly and go to Tavern on Camac" .  Tavern is lovely. If you're in the right mind frame. I am not.  

I could not have spent my evening surrounded by the gorgeous gays and their LOVAHS, being judged solely on the evening gown portion of the pageant and never making it to my "talent" because some fabulous boy named Stephen, or Keith or Todd or what have you, had to sing "Pretty Women".  Couldn't do it. Wouldn't want to.  Not when I have a finished basement and Me and My Shadows: Life With Judy Garland on DVD. And so I suggested they come over here...and the hilarity that ensued was epic.  

Firstly....there's the selection of the DVD.  I suggested we go about the way I would were I babysitting.  Everyone pics a couple DVD's and I'll choose which one I like best because my opinion counts the most and then I'll put them behind my back (having memorized where the one I want is) and choose the one we watch.  We went through the DVD's.....Mommie Dearest, definite possibility.  Basic Instinct, what is it with gays and wanting to see a vagina?  Guffman....it was bound to come along.  Judy Garland, "PULL IT" we all shouted.  Judy won, by a LANDSLIDE.  Perhaps the only thing that could've beaten her out was Liza in Faerie Tale Theatre's Princess and the Pea (also starring Al's great Aunt)...but Faerie Tale Theatre was vetoed by Dann.  Might as well just overturn Roe v. Wade, DANN!

So we watched Judy, AS Judy.  GENIUS.  Josh lied and told Melissa Judy Garlands father was dying of AIDS....in 1923. Hmmm.  Melissa was drunk , so she cried.  Dann was in a corner recreating the choreography to "Skimmbleshanks" (no one tells you how badly these actors suffer after the CATS tour ends) because apparently that is the 'cat' Franki most resembles. 

And Josh interrupted my cat's bowel movement (SO not ok with me) in an effort to hold him.

And....I pissed myself on the treadmill during a photo shoot.  You heard me.

All in all....it had to be one of the most satisfying Saturdays I've had in recent MEMMMMMMORYYYY. Anyone?  Yea. Thats right.

Stay Tuned.

Jac

Totally Fuched......and a Stabbed Baby

Well....here she is BOYS! Here she is WORLD!......It's my real blog. Bloggity blog blog!

It's so exciting.....between the New Kids having the number one album in Canada and learning how to use a french press...I am just beside myself...

But lets get down to brass tacks.

Welcome to my official blog.....you will now be able to tune in whenever and read all about this bitch, without selling your soul to Myspace thereby opening yourself up to shitty bands, bulletins and 18 year old russian prostitutes. I happen to enjoy shitty bands, bulletins, and 18 year old russian prostitutes (takes me back to Freshman year) but I realize I have to reach out to a wider audience...and I'm all about that.  Here at, "It's Not Me, It's You" you will learn about my fondness for grocery stores as a means to a bowel movement, how I truely believe I will one day find love in the arms of George Michael, (you say," impossible" but I feel that word much more clearly defines my present relationship...and the only things holding us back is emotional unavailability... so where George is concerned... Gayness means nothing to me) You'll experience me "spelling", 'segway' ...every which way but the RIGHT way.  And probably find out more about Priscilla Presley and Ann-Margret than you thought you ever needed to know. I also hope to recommend music, food, and books to you all....almost as if I am pretentious enough to promote my own "brand"....though clearly I lack the funds to afford skim milk, let alone anything that would consist of a , "BRAND".  So throw on a full length gown and some fuzzy slippers ...(well that's what I'm wearin') and join me!

And now....an evening with Dana Fuchs

We begin on a dreary Friday....September 12, 2008.  My idol, Dana Fuchs, of The Dana Fuchs Band was slated to make a return to Philadelphia at The World Cafe. btw..  Long story short (until I learn how to post links to past myspace blogs) I know Dana's Guitarist/writing partner/producer/best friend: Jon. Jon and I both really love the song, "Horse With No Name"...and we're perverts ..and so a friendship was formed. I have friends who loved Dana...then I loved Dana too. Then we met Dana and Dana loved me. And now I lived in a world where all I listen to is Dana Fuchs ...and I questioned why my Mother didn't name me something that started with the letter , "D" and I constantly ask God to make me 6ft tall, and he responds by giving me a bigger ass and smaller tits. But the point is... somewhere along the way I have become lucky enough to call Dana a friend and so , we all love her and when she's in Philly my whole day feels like there's an underscore of , "I Go to Rio" playing.  So Friday she was playing in Philly...no joke we'd had our tickets for 4 months. I had had quite a shiteous week so I just wanted to worship at the church of Fuchs and let my troubles wash away.  

As always I had a fabulous outfit planned. A high-waisted pencil skirt...tube top (don't knock it til ya rock it) and patent leather black stilettos. Sadly, Mother Nature was over that ensemble and so it was jeans, said tube top, fabulous jewels and my zebra flats...even though Jon has told me he , "hates flats" and that they are for "coolies and hospital workers"...whatever that means.   Though we were running late , somehow I instinctively new we'd make it there on time...that's actually a lie....I was terrified and felt like I had just taken 5 ALLI and eaten a Big Mac from the fear that we'd miss Dana's first number. But we made it. We met Jaimie and John and Luke (who looked beautiful in his tankini...little joke) and we all grabbed our seats and promptly ordered cocktails.  I was just so excited....

Anytime you go to see The DFB...you're not just going to see a concert...you're going to have an experience. Joanne says it is COMPLETE and total performance art. I mean...Dana is the closest that our generation will ever be able to come to any sort of a "woodstock" type of experience. Not only within the content of her own music...but what she has to offer in terms of thoughts on love, politics, life in general....it's relevant , beautiful and if you open yourself up to the experience, then like myself you can't help but be moved and maybe even a little changed by the time the show was over. I had the same experience at George Michael but that seems like it should go without saying.  Anyhoo....last night was no exception.  I was proud but not at all suprised to see they had PACKED the world cafe downstairs and when I saw Jon run out to gather the wine and shots ...I knew it was SHOWTIME.

Dana opened with , "Not For Me"...an original, I believe, as when I googled "not for me lyrics" all I got was Backstreet Boys and I don't think Dana covers their repetoire. Anyhoo...opened with , "Not for Me" which I LOVVVVVVE. Then, as always, "Almost Home"...and clearly the entire time I'm doing my belterific , "WOOT WOOT" and as the band's riffing for the next song I "woot" 'd (Jaimie claims she did too , but like Princess Amneris, I know the truth) and Dana said, "...ah, Jaclyn's here!"....:I died a little: "Ya know we don't have many friends in Philly but we do have our friend, Jaclyn" :threw up in my mouth and started sweating like a farm animal: "So this song is for Jaclyn, it's called Lonely for a Lifetime" :swallow throw up and basque in the joy...and the irony.  After that I could not stay in my seat...and though I had promised myself to keep the dancing to a minimum so that I wouldn't sweat through my clothes as per usual...I couldn't help it.  When Jaimie and John came up to dance with me...I was just totally complete.  Dana played , "Songbird"...Al's favorite song, and I was just so thrilled he was getting to experience it live...and Joanne was getting , "fuched" for the first time...and LOVING it like we knew she would. My whole world was like one big Kylie Minogue video; it was all so fabulous!  Clearly no DFB concert would be complete without ...the ballad of Jon and Dana, "Misery"......combine my own personal drama with Dana's opening storyline and 2 Tanqueray and Tonics and you had a recipe for tears.  But it was cathartic to say the least.  I'm just glad I'm not a cutter.....yet.

The band started playing a fan favorite, "drive"....its not on my ipod so although I know it, I don't know it. But that doesn't mean I don't LOVE it. Dana was recalling the tale of an angry cabby which is how the song came about...Dana encouraged all of us that before we get mad at someone, just, "imagine them as a two year old baby....cuz' you wouldn't stab a 2 yr old baby...well I might...I love stabbing two year old babies!" :CRICKETS:.......CLEARLY Philly doesn't get the, "stabbing baby" humor.  Although, John, Jaimie and I were all hysterics. Oh well. 

During "drive" they segwayed (see) into "Papa Was a Rollin Stone".....now let me relay to you that I KNOW of this song but my Mother the disco diva singing super sensation never took the time to teach me this little diddy, though I did know the entire repetoire of the Manhattan Transfer by the time I was 6 years old but I digress.....BUT. I SHOULD know this song for a few reasons....one...Dana knows it. Two, George does a cover of it. And THREE the lyrics say, "it was the 3rd of september..." HELLO! My BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!  and the most important reason????? Dana called me ONSTAGE TO SING IT!!

Yes, let me repeat myself. DANA FUCHS....ASKED ME....JACLYN KAY to JOIN HER ONSTAGE TO SING!!! 

Now...this is no small task. No one sings like Dana. No one can.  and I am a foot shorter than she is and I can't play the cowbell....yet I watched myself (I believe my spirit floated up out of my body and onstage and that's who performed with Dana...because it was so out of body and I, in a normal frame of mind would not have just run up a flight of stairs (I hate stairs) to sing with a rock star) run up the stairs and on to the stage.  Dana told me to grab Jon's mic (it was so weird because that's exactly what she always says in my dream) and we just went nuts.  WE just riffed it up. I didn't know the words but by the 5th time around I got it...and let out a rock n' roll scream the likes of which I didn't know were in me. It was remarkable to me what was going on between us....to just look at Dana and that she was trusting me, and my talent...it was overwhelming. This will sound strange....slightly creepy...but I mean it sincerely...I honestly daydreamed about that moment all the time...but NEVER did I think it would happen and that's fine. Dana's concert is JUST THAT , DANA's concert , and that she would share her moment with me like that...it's a testament to her generosity as a performer and as a person....what it meant for me, and what it did for my heart and my passion ....I don't know that I'll ever be able to REALLY explain that.  It was just magical.  AND! She let me use her cherry red tambourine and I've got the bruises to prove it! I wish they would never go away...even-though my right wrist looks like a dark moment out of a LIFETIME movie.  

As if making my wildest dreams come true wasn't enough, (honestly short of paying off my student-loans, what more could the woman have done) Dana then sang her famous cover of, "I'd Rather Go Blind" ....which is one of my favorite songs that the band does....obviously because of the soul Dana grinds into it but Jon also plays the most sensational guitar solo ever. TRUELY. You will never hear anything that will rival that solo.  Just literally brings me to my knees everytime.

So then I believe they played.....actually I don't remember the last thing they played...I was really out of it (If anyone's dying to know I can go check the set list I swipped). But I DO KNOW that the crowd was not letting them leave just yet and clearly they encored with , "Helter Skelter".  What a moment....the band, sans Dana, came back out and Jon started on that guitar...I wanted to rip my clothes off and swim in a bowl of chocolate milk because it was creamy.  Dana came back out and ripped it apart. And ended with a back bend that lead me to believe she just might make it to the next Olympics.  It was unreal.

After the concert we just stood on the side and hung out waiting to say goodbye to Dana. Jon came over grinning like Palin at a NRA rally and said, "so how was that"......I was just in a HAZE.  I felt like I had just had sex with George Michael and ate a bowl of ice cream in egyptian cotton sheets.  MADNESS.  We chatted it up with Jon and worshiped him like the guitar god he is and he was a doll as usual...OH! I almost forgot. I HAVE FANS! A 10 year old girl came galavanting over to me and yelled for my autograph...I wanted to adopt her and carry her on my waist in a pashmina. She had me autograph a program but then also her LEATHER ipod carrying case...I mean, leather and sharpie...that's a done deal. That ain't comin' off, so I said, "Sweetie are you sure!? It's LEATHER!!!!" But she wanted me to SIGN IT!  I just hugged her and told her she made my day.  Person after person just kept coming up to me and saying the nicest things to me. They wanted to know where I performed....where they could come see me....I was just ...I don't even know. A MESS.  People were so kind and I was just moved beyond belief.

When we finally got to talk to Dana I just wanted to hang on her like a baby koala....I didn't know how to express my gratitude(not that I felt baby koala-dom would suffice but you know). I just kept telling her (probably about 300 times because I was drunk) that I had had the worst week and she took me out of it for a few hours and made me sublimely happy. (clueless..anyone? anyone?) As always she was genuine, generous, and kind beyond measure.  She even signed Luke's nipple. And promised to write me an outline on how to manipulate an insecure man.  Bless her heart.  

Yet again....expectations were FAR exceeded....dreams came true, friendships were stronger than ever and for a few hours....there was nothing wrong in the world. I literally wish they would play Philly once  a week.  But I'll take what I can get. And thanks to Dana I feel so very inspired and open to possibilities on all fronts.

Stay Tuned

Jac