The Pleasure Seekers...

Well where to begin...

The last 3 weeks or however long it's been since I checked in seem to have flown and dragged by simultaneously.  "KISS ME KATE" is over and I assumed life would go back to "normal"...whatever the hell that is.  It would seem though that now there's a whole new level of "production" that's been added to my world and life is going to be anything but.  

To begin with, Peter, or -"a waste of 31 days" as he will now be referred to, is gone. At our last rendezvous- BTW...if you're a family member you may want to skip ahead :)....Peter told me to come over for a glass of wine and to go in his newly fixed hot tub.  Sounded like my first time in a hot tub was a quick shave and a car ride away. I was wrong.

We sat in his kitchen, looking at each other like science experiments, listening to him apologize for his kitchen table being, again, "a shit hole".  We drank some wine then headed out to the hot tub. This was IT! Or so I thought.....

Once we were submerged I thought I was hot shit , having removed my bathing suit under the bubbles.  But 20 minutes later and still no action , I was annoyed and started looking for the jets...I figured somebody had to get off tonight and it damn well better be me.  Peter kept talking about work...the cold he felt coming on, and how he was going to carpet his guest room. When the jet cycle ended I said, "can you get me a plastic bag for my bathing suit , I'm going now".  And so I did and we've not been in contact since. Thank god.  He was sucking the life force from my veins.  That was a Wednesday....2 weeks ago. 

Friday I went to visit Brian in the big house again.  This time I was alone, and we were going to be able to actually see, and touch each other and sit together. And from the moment we hugged...I think we both knew we were, "in trouble" as they say.  We tried to make light of lots of things and of course we had our inside jokes to make us laugh. But everything we had been through in the last 5 years (ironic) was too much and we really couldn't sweep feelings under the rug anymore.  And the pain of the situation...him being all alone and nothing anyone could do; my pain and frustration and all that we had dealt with and come through and somehow ended up beside each other again, it just sucker punched us both.  We sat and Brian held my hand and didn't take his eyes off me, I tried so hard not to look into his eyes and kept looking all around me.  I put my hand on the back of his neck and told him I forgave him for anything and everything and that I loved him and would always be there for him.  He told me he hoped he would always be in my life and when I told him that without him I didn't have a life...he started to cry. We hugged and I said, "Bri I do not know why we're in each other's lives...I don't know in what capacity we're supposed to be in those lives but I know we have to be there for one another.  It's just the way it goes" And he said, "I don't care what capacity , I just need you with me" and I assured him I would always be there. He told me how beautiful I was and we reminisced about the many summers we'd spent together...emails and poems we'd written, funny names we'd called each other. And before we knew it the time we had was up. We hugged and he just buried his face in my neck and just before we pulled away entirely, we kissed for the first time in nearly 4 years. It was quick but special none the less. I walked to one side and he walked to the other and we both looked back at the same time.  

I walked to my car and was crying. I wanted my best friend to be coming back with me.  I was really happy for a half hour that had given me more joy and meaning than much of what I'd experienced with anyone else in the last year, but it still stung so bad to be leaving alone.  

I had the show all weekend...I didn't have the time to be sad.  I felt more and more confident with each performance and we had received and incredible review from The Courier Post. I finally felt like the hard work had paid off....for once performing felt like a job to be taken to heart not just something I did for a weekend for fun.  

It seemed there was more to play out from my ever-present-past......

This is my , "BLIND ITEM" I guess...you guess/ I know.

I know we all move on from things. That's lovely. I'm over it. But what happened to sensitivity in certain situations? More importantly, and to the point.  If it meant so little to you (I'll be 'respectful' and not name names) a mere few months ago to list your relationship status on such a "fickle" little website as facebook...whats the change?  And how lame can you be? It's playing out like quite the mid-life crisis. It just baffles me.  To have been so wrong about someone. To have given him the benefit of the doubt and said, "he's a good guy.." when clearly he's as selfish as anyone I've ever known.  It's just funny....suddenly his past..his "situation" makes perfect sense. I was upset briefly, now all I can do is laugh..and be greatful...because as Al said, "You didn't love him...you didn't really like him that much. You had some good sex and you drank some great liquor. Now lets be done with it". And I am.

I felt so hurt though...and it's an awful thing to wanna talk to your best friend and all you can do is write a damn letter....I feel like little house on the prairie.  I desperately needed a letter from Brian...just something to know that the person I loved was out there. But there was nothing. Wednesday I had work and then we had our final Wednesday performance of "...KATE"...I was over it. I had been writing to Brian all day, just how I felt, even though it was silly to do this since I would be seeing him in 2 days.  The people I work for were awesome and got home a little early so I could get to the theatre with some time to spare. I did. I did my make up, set my hair, began to put on all of my stuff and realized, "SHIT BALLS I HAVE NO GARTER" It was at home...or so I thought. My Mom was coming to the show with Ron, I had 40 minutes til curtain, to say I was stressed was the understatement of the century. I raced home in my death box of a car and flew through our front door trying not to stop.  But there on our kitchen table was a letter with a huge heart drawn on it....It was from Brian and I lost it.  I didn't even have time to breath let alone read the one thing I needed to ease my mind. To top it all off the damn garter was missing.  I grabbed tights, thigh highs, anything I could find that I could make do with once I got back to the theatre.

Thankfully, once I got home, my "team"...Stephen, Erika, Erienne, Cait, Michelle and Nicole....everyone! Was ready, and willing to help me. I didn't even have to lift a finger. I just stood there and in 5 minutes, my mic was taped, my shoes were buckled, my hair was done and it was, "places". I read my letter and was momentarily annoyed that Brian hadn't written something "poignant" enough for me. I sang my first song and came off to change into my Elizabethan costume. I noticed the envelope had a hidden quote along where it was sealed, "I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot drive the streets at night, I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind. Did I make it that she's able to walk right in and out of my life?" I had to hold back tears....as always, I had underestimated our connection. He knew, somehow, what I needed to hear. In an instant I felt calm. 

I decided to join Jaimie and the rest of the world Thursday night to see TWILIGHT. I ordered my tickets and Erica was going to join me after a romantic dinner for two of pizza hut. What else?

We got to the Loews in Cherry Hill and fandango couldn't retrieve my tickets...I asked for assistance from the hobbit working the desk and he asked me to pull up my confirmation on Erica's blackberry. I did and he informed me, "Ma'am...you bought tickets to see the film at Cinemark." Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

We left. Erica was over me. Jaimie was over me. I was over me. The vampires were over me. Then we got home and Erica handed me a box to carry. So I did. Because wives carry boxes.It was raining and I promptly twisted my bad ankle in the driveway. I decided God was telling me to get my ass inside or be struck down by lightening.  I went to bed looking forward to tomorrow because I was going to see Brian again.

I slept in, showered and was on my way! You've never seen someone so excited to go to prison! I felt like Velma Kelly!

I arrived at the detention center and waited to be called only to find out when I was that Brian had been moved next door to the house of corrections which was actually a good thing.

His custody level was down. As I waited in this new place the "ladies" began to swap stories. One such lucious specimen began to inspire us with the story of one of the inmates "bitches" who had recently been detained. She explained, ever so delicately (she only had one front tooth afterall), "WHAT you gonna do if you in here...he ain't gonna come visit you! Ain't nobody comin to bail your ass out now! And ain't nobody gonna write your dumbass a letter and even if he did, he write to me and I would write back...IN RED PEN, 'LOVE DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE....PLAYA"......well...I was on the floor after that. Not only was it the laugh that being in prison waiting to see the man I loved, I truely needed, but I also found the title for my one woman show :)

Brian and I were somehow lucky enough to visit an hour and a half with each other. No one came to get me after my scheduled half hour. We didn't argue, or ask, we just held hands and talked. Constantly reminding the other that we loved each other.  And somehow came to the conclusion that we're just not sure it's all said and done as far as our relationship goes.

I'll close here for now, though clearly there's more to write about with the closing of "...Kate".

Before anyone comes to tell me off about my present choice where Bri and I are concerned. I am not stupid. I am not living in a fantasy. I try to but believe me I've been through too much to be that naive(that's evian spelled backward). I am HOPEFUL. I'd like to think you can end up with your first love or at least write a brilliant song about it, like Jon and Dana did :)

More to come! Enjoy Guru Kim and Miss Jenn :)

STAY TUNED! 

XOXO

JAC

"Carrie Likes a JAZZZZZZZ Man"

OK. KISS ME KATE is over....sadly yet inevitably and though it hurts my heart to leave this complete joy of an experience- the upside, Dear Readers, is now I can update again!

Which is what I plan to do as soon as I return from WHOLE FOODS and Wegmans with Tep. I  am planting myself firmly on my couch with Erica...and anyone else who cares to join, for that matter :)  And I will update you all on the last 2 weeks. WHEW! What MADNESS! To give you some insight...I went to bed at 7am .....ahhhhh what crazy cast parties and Fred's sensual Cosmopolitans can do.  Ok....SO have no fear. An update is on it's way, and a change is gonna come.  Meanwhile...I just "discovered" David Bowie's later musical contributions and I think I'm a little in love with Black Tie White Noise. RANDOM.

Stay Tuned

xoxo

JAC

Holly Golightly- A Mellowdrama

I went to bed at 6:30 this morning.  Don't ask.

But being as it's Saturday and I don't have my show until later...I figured I could sleep in and be just peachy. Around 9am my precious prince of a cat wanted to go out on the porch, as usual. Bless him , he waited longer than he usually does to torture me. So I got up out of bed in my sweatpants, threw a pillow over my boobs, and let him out to our screened in porch.  Now...there is a hole in one of the screens but it's been dutifully covered with a cardboard box and a milk crate. Smart, right? Hmmmmm.

So When I woke up at 1:15pm, the first place I looked...as per usual, was the porch.  It was at this point that my life began to play out in slow motion...I noticed boxes were knocked over. And then I glanced right, and saw the box that blocks the escape route was knocked over and my cat was gone.  Now I know most people love their animals...but I LOVE Franki.  He's my child.  I worry about him constantly. And I'll be the first to acknowledge it's not normal but I will not dignify it as , "unhealthy".  I just happen to really love him and worry greatly about him. I feel like he was traumatized as a kitten and I owe it to him to give him as lovely a life as possible. So anything that compromises that , gives me great anxiety.  

So I go outside, he's GONE. I start hysterical screaming , crying. It's RAINING. And he's a baby. He's very co-dependent....that's why we get along so well.  So...not only is he missing, but he's out in the RAIN and alone, and it's cold ...and there are CARS...it was just too much. I wanted to die.  I'm screaming his name, in sweatpants, barefeet, a Park City Utah tshirt and plent o' zit cream. I'm shaking his bag of food...Im on the phone with my Mother SCREAMING (she, by the way is ready to have me commited). It's just awful. I went to my neighbor's...their child is inept and said , "I see cats walking around all the time"....WELL THANKS, DOUCHE! I left her mid-sentence because I could tell she wasn't getting me anywhere and I was losing valuable search time. Then just as I answer the phone, I'm walking back to my house sobbing, and Franki runs on the porch and I scooped him up and we wept together. Like "Breakfast at Tiffany's".  Now , obviously I'm blogging, and my precious baby is asleep on a soft pillow beside me. 

And he's never going outside again.

Stay Tuned.

XOXOJAC

"Shut Up and Let Me GO"

Honestly....I have every "I'm over it" type song playing on a loop in my brain.

WHY is it...just when you decide you are over something...or someONE rather, there they be!

Tuesday I had officially decided , Barack's in the White House...time for a CHANGE all over.  I decided to be DONE. DONE. DONE, with Peter.  Peter is a doll. VERY nice, has not- for the record- done anything cruel or anything it's just...ehhhhh. "He was the equivalent of a DKNY dress, you know it's not your style but you try it on anyway" ~Carrie Bradshaw.  He's super sweet. We do get along great. But.......I don't feel any longing for him or anything. And this could just be a lack of chemistry or as I've repeatedly stated....it's quite difficult to care for someone if you don't spend enough time together to get to know him.  

Obviously you can guess....Peter and I haven't exactly been spending a ton of time together. Nor do I know that for either of us it's a priority to, though out of the two of us I would say it's more a priority for me and I'm over that.  So Tuesday I made up my mind to be done with it. No hard feelings but if you can't find the time to call me back , I can't find the time to stress over it. So Tuesday came and went and I TRUELY was just completely over it.  And fine. NO harm done. "There is nothing lost".  So I'm onstage last night and I come back to get ready for act two, check on my phone to see that I have a missed call and voicemail....since the only people who call me these days are women, men with life partners, and collection agents, I just assumed it was no biggie.  Check to see: It's Peter.  He left a voicemail saying he was "SO sorry" he hadn't gotten back to me and "PLEASE" accept his apology. BLAH. I called back, no answer and he didn't return my call until today.  Then he came over with lunch and I was too chicken shit to bring up how his bull shit excuses didn't matter to me and if we're not going to communicate then this really isn't worth my time. So I basically contradicted the HELL out of myself with my deafening silence. I am a douche.  But....it's not like we're exclusive. It's not like we're going to the Governor's ball....there's no deadline or anything. I just don't CARE enough to worry. If we hang out again, lovely. If not. I guess I'll have more time to watch re-runs of Designing Women.

I'd like to think I have a lot to offer someone else. But I HARDLY want to offer that to just anyone.  I don't want to spend my time being with just anybody. Monogamy is not a grand ol' time...unless it's  with the absolute right person for you.  Sadly, I would like to spend that time with a person in "the big house"...."but that's another story, nevermind, anyway....."

Anyhoo...on with a recap of my most recent events.

I was Rosie the Riveter for Halloween. Apparently I was confused for the following: Harriet Tubman, Myself, and Bette Midler. Charming.  I happen to think I looked adorable. Bubby Ellen came to see the show with Zadie Roger (these are my ficticious jewish grandparents....well they in fact are real but they're not really my grandparents. I just pretend. Like I pretend I won't die alone.

Ellen loved the show and said I was "tiny" and "skinny" because Grandmothers lie and that's why we love them.  Bubby Ellen was the Ritz's ORIGINAL Lois Lane and I felt so relieved and happy that she loved my performance as much as she did.  It was an honor.  I imagine it's what Stephanie J. Block felt when she met Liza Minelli during "Boy From Oz".

Brian and I decided to hate eachother for about 72hours with a deep lovers quarrel which included screaming, tears, kissing on the CHEEK in Bianca (he says I turned my head, I said he was deliberate) and emails emails emails. We're over it now and have decided to join forces and collectively hate other people. It's funner.

Monday Erica and I piled in the ol Liberal Fast Food Band Wagon to make two stops on a tour f Philadelphia. The first to drop off Alicia's car for a tune up , the second, to visit my ex boyfriend in Jail. One of these things is not like the other......

This was the first time I'd ever been to visit him in jail. Because visiting someone I love in jail is not exactly something I like to make a habit of.  Anyhow.  When you do visit you have to sign in by 4:30 pm. Mind you, inmates get a specific visiting day according to last name. Brians (not Rivell) is Monday. BTW Philadelphia Office of Corrections....I have a life and it's difficult to make , "arrive at prison by 4:30" apart of my list of "to do's " ...thankfully I had off. I picked Erica up from school and off we went to prison. But first, the car.  We got lost trying to find the mechanic for Alicias car , so for the sake of time we decided to give up on dropping of the car for the moment and head towards the jail. But we got lost trying to get there too. At 4:20 I decided we should ask for directions. At the ZOO. The Zoo. Where children's dreams come true. The ZOO where bear cubs nuzzle their mamas and ape's sign , "I love you". The Zoo , where Jaclyn pulled up, rolled down the window and shouted, "Excuse me, HOW DO I GET TO THE PRISON!?!"....thankfully (though im not surprised) someone on staff knew exactly how. 

At 4:32 we arrived in the parking lot. We were at the Prison by 4:40. And the bastards wouldn't let us in. Debate as we may. And cry as I did. They would NOT let us in. It was awful. I kept imagining Brian relying the SOMEONE would be in the visit him and NO ONE showed. I felt awful. Thankfully a nice warden informed us we could come back any day even if it wasn't his assigned day and visit, we just wouldn't have the usual amount of time. So we left feeling a bit better. FINALLY found the car dealership and ate our feelings at a Burger King which seemed to be in full support of Barack Obama. So we felt more justified in eating our feelings.

We got home and packed our bags to head to the shore for the night like your average same sex couple.

Once in Avalon we bought more food at WaWa where a particularly bitter checkout boy named, Jackson who was brewing his own tea in some sort of strange mug had his SUNGLASSES on at 11:30 at night. I told him he resembled Rick Ocasek and he decided to then take out what I believe is YEARS of pent up sexual and emotional frustration out on me and scream "fuck" several times. Poor Jackson. We could've been SO happy together.

We continued to take in the shore breeze and unpacked the jeep soothed by the sounds of the sea...Erica walks in and sets off the alarm.  I would've helped her turn it off but I had already begun to eat my shortie. So instead I asked her if she wanted my pickles.  Once the alarm was disarmed we spooned on the couch with a bag of HERRS and watched an especially supreme episode of INTERVENTION about a charming young girl who resembled Templeton from Charlotte's Web who was huffing on Dust Cleaner.  Erica was disturbed but I loved it.  I also explained to Erica that one day when I have health insurance again I plan to develop some sort of addiction so I can fall apart and go to rehab.  Erica quipped, "but Jac if it was on your insurance it would only be 28 days, "....actually first she told me I was insane, and then the other thing, and I said, "That's fine, its 28 days more than I had to myself."

We finished INTERVENTION, got into a facebook messenger political war with some republican pig I went to high school with, took baths in the jacuzzi, then went to bed.

We woke up early so Erica could vote in Avalon.  I had a war with the old bitties who told me I couldn't wear my "Shalom Obama" and "Women for Obama" pins inside but allowed some Granny with a McCain sticker to stroll around the gym for 20 minutes. Then I VOTED for the first time! It was MAGIC! Then we had eggs at Medford Bagel...then we saw people we knew and had to flee.  And it was on our way to jail we went. 

After waiting for two hours, making friends with women who were there to see , "my babies daddy" and a young angry girl named Jules who kept screaming at me, "Don't let him see you cry he'll; know he got to you" (thanks Jules) we finally got called in to see Brian. I lost my shit several times but considerably so when I discovered Brian was in , "the hole" because he was in a fight and broke his hand, and now we would have to talk through plexi glass like American Gigolo.  I pulled myself together and was so overwhelmed with a beautiful calm and an enduring love to see him. We had a really wonderful visit and I was so happy we went.

OK,I have to go shower and eat because I'm so hyped up on caffeine I can't really type anymore.

And Mom's taking me for dinner because I called and made her feel guilty. Because that's what children do. Maybe tonight Peter will ask me to come over for a glass of wine and to look at eachother and not talk about our feelings. Won't that be fun?!

Stay Tuned

XOXO

JAC 

Happy Days Are Here Again

What an incredible election! What an overwhelming miracle the last 24hours has been!

I said to Nat last night, this is the first time I have truely felt that I did something with my life.  HONESTLY.  It was my first election I voted in and to push that button....it was surreal.

I can remember so clearly sitting with my big sister during the election with Gore.....cheering and hopeful for the future. Then crying and feeling so completely lost watching hope slip away. And since that time...these eight terrifying years, I have never felt safe. Never felt secure. Never felt protected by this "idea" of America....because sadly, for eight years the idea of America has been trampled on and mistreated. And last night, we were great again.  I was enormously proud of Senator McCain. His speech was beautiful and to the point and we finally got a glimpse of the man we all used to really respect.  There seemed to be a bit of a chill between the Senator and Govenor Palin. And rightfully so. I'm not complaining with the current result (BELIEVE ME) but I think perhaps, had Senator McCain made a wiser choice for a running mate (any skirt will never do) we could've seen at least a tighter race if not a completely different end result.

I hope we've heard the last of Sarah Palin.  Think me erratic, but the woman, in my opinion is Hitler in a skirt.  She is the Grim Reaper of Women's Rights.  Frightful.  I just hope she will go back to Alaska, stay there.  Let her be an advocate of all the things she said she would be an advocate for, and let her do it away from me.

On to the new PRESIDENT ELECT! President Barack Obama!  "Change has come to America".  14 million of us who had never voted before , did so yesterday.  It was magic.  WE DID IT! And....We spoke clearly and loudly.  We won by a LANDSLIDE.  It was overwhelming....it all happened so fast. I really thought I would have to go to bed in fear I would wake up to more of the same. But at 11pm it was clear and lovely.  It was a miracle.  A wave of hope, joy, and peace came over me. Again, I felt safe in my country and for the first time in a long time PROUD to be an American. No longer did I feel this was a snotty elitist nation trying to get by on greed alone.  We're again , "the land of the free and the home of the brave".  We can call what all of us stood up to do yesterday bravery....but really everyone, it was common sense. We can no longer reward only the wealthy. If this is indeed the land of opportunity, let it be so and I  believe it will be so.  It won't be easy, and I am greatful for President Obama's honesty where these truths are concerned.  But we're going to get there.

I am sad for the comments of close minded Republican ticket supporters who's facebook, myspace and twitter and what-have-you comments, that I have read. And yes, maybe I am wrong, but I've deleted many of them as friends. I don't have the time and frankly can't envision myself in association (at least currently) with such people. May I remind them, the man they followed graciously acknowledged his defeat and asked  them to support their new President.  If these people really are, "country first" you would think perhaps Patriotism could overturn Biggotry (sp) we'll see. 

Ok. Tomorrow I plan to write a more, "jaclyn kay" type blog.  Something with glitter, ibs, sex and designing women.

Stay Tuned,

JAC