Nervous...Happy...Scared...Excited

I can't sleep. Everything in my life is going well and it's scary to me. I seriously just got up....lifted the arm of the man who loves me and falls asleep holding me to come write this blog because my heart is pounding.

I'm reminded of a Sex and The City:The Movie quote (shocking I know), when Charlotte is asked by Carrie, why she, an avid runner is not running while pregnant she weeps, "I have everything I ever wanted, I am so happy I am terrified. No body gets everything the want"...combine that quote SCREAMING in my head with an hour of "Bethenny Getting Married" and you have my recipe for insomnia and subsequent face picking.

I am HAPPY. This little life of mine which has always seemed to be in shambles...it's starting to feel like lately, I'm picking up the pieces and they fit into a gorgeous puzzle. My family is wonderful- my father is back in my life in a new and fantastic way that is so needed and so magnificent I can hardly describe how his presence has just closed this hole in my heart. Mark is.....God, where to begin. Mark is everything. He is my heart and soul, my smile, my joy. My best friend, my LOVAHHHHHHHH, my partner. I am so exquisitely fulfilled by him in every aspect and even though I constantly worry he's too good for me and will realize that at any moment- I am starting to believe from the bottom of my heart he's in it for the long haul and this is the man I will live and love and grow old with. This realization in and of itself is scary!! Will I screw it up? Are we enough for each other? Will he grow to hate my laughing and snorting that he says he loves?
I have a relationship with his daughter now that fills my heart to capacity but also tests my patience and my maturity. One day we're like Krystle and Fallon Carrington and the next day I want to braid her hair and tuck her in for bed while singing, "La La Lue" like in Lady and The Tramp. But the point is we're changing...we're evolving and all I know is last Saturday I rushed home from a gig to be with, "my family". I sat in bed with Mark and Savannah eating chips and watching Juno. That's my family. And I love it.

My job is perfect. It really is. I've worked SO hard to finally get here and I'm here and it can only get better I feel. I am working each day surrounded by smart, beautiful, funny women who I REALLY REALLY like. It's like The View minus the idiotic ramblings of Sherri and Elizabeth. We each contribute and I work for a person I respect and believe in who seems to respect and believe in me....I am so grateful and I do my best to make it known but I'm never sure it's enough.

I am learning to say, "no" to people. I am learning to not be bullied into being stretched too thin or just into being plain unhappy. I say, "no" if something doesn't sound good and I take a deep breath and the whole saying "no" debacle wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
I am trying to remind myself of something someone told me recently, "you've gone through enough in your life...maybe you're done now and the Universe is giving you what you've earned. So just enjoy"...I'm trying! I'm TRYING...I'd love to stop trying and just live but you have to understand- Life has always fallen out from underneath me and I'm scared it will again so I almost have always felt the need to plan accordingly. Or beat it to the punch. Which explains having spent the better part of April asking Mark if he'd rather be with someone else -practically signing him up on EHarmony...ANYTHING to do it before I assumed he would. For the record...this kind of behavior is in fact NOT the way to get a guy to settle down and make it official. Weird ,huh? I know.

I have given up on trying to shove my stomachs into the contents of my old skinny jeans. The tight blue jeans with the zipper up the ankles that I wore when I was smokin and had just started dating my boyfriend who eats CAKE for breakfast and red meat. For the Record (again) I cannot eat these things and not gain weight- but I still do and ...I GAIN WEIGHT. The good news is....I think my job will prove to be high-charged enough that maybe I won't eat more than 2 meals a day and my Jewish Guilt (I'm not Jewish..but I try) is kicking in and screaming, "You pay 19.95 to the gym every month! FOR WHAT! FOR WHAAAA!?!" So I'm gonna go again. Some day.

I don't know....I just love whats happening to me. I want it to stay this way...or keep on this track at least. I'm happy. I just...I don't know what to do with it.

I think I can sleep now.

XOXOJAC