Praying for 'Yellow Stuff'

I just checked and I am WAY overdue for a blog!

Since the last entry: March 24th, I clearly caved on day 4 of the No Carb, "Sacred Heart", "Dolly Parton Soup"...what HAVE you, diet and have since experimented with South Beach, Vegans and Laxatives. Only to return to old faithful: Weight Watchers.
It's the only thing that makes any sense! If you're going to try and tell me I can't eat PIZZA...think again. So for a week I did it by the book...point system and all. It was tough but it also really helped me to see portions and calories up close and in person. And I saw that while a few days I had stayed within my points value...I was still ravenous because I had done so with a real lack of fruits and veggies. So now I eat really well mostly whole grains and fruits during the day... I find I am really not hungry much and that way if at dinner Mark wants Wendy's or I want a WaWa Hoagie...I don't have to feel miserable and guilty and fat if we have it. I can also HAVE real pasta if I so choose, or bread or what have you. I'm working out hard core, I feel good. I think the Mucinex D and Claritin are appitite suppresants also so that can't hurt :). In any event. It's a nice feeling to just enjoy and your world's not revolving on when you're eating next which is how I usually felt.

In other news...I've been sick for almost a month now. Mark for almost 2 1/2 weeks...what a MESS. When Cathy and Kim were in town we were driving to pick them up for dinner and all of a sudden I had this weird cough, I felt like I need to clear my throat and by the next morning (of course my first gig with Hollywood Nights) I felt tired , had a runny nose and my voice was starting to go. What started out as severe allergies (which by the way I had never had..on any level) turned into a NASTY sinus infection. Which I believe got even nastier by the fact that I had to go so long without anti biotics. While I am feeling MUCH better...the "yellow stuff" has yet to come out of my nose. I KNOW IT'S IN THERE!!
Warning: the next couple of sentences will be gross! Apparently you can get big chucks of mucus which harden and then the other mucus can't pass. Basically a Mucus Troll under my sinus bridge won't let the "yellow stuff" get out! I have tried it ALL. Herbs, tea, steam, neti pots, nasal sprays, SWIMMING (it was a long shot but I tried...) I've done it all. Basically in the beginning from time to time I would have what my chiropractor referred to as, 'the blow out'...I'd blow my nose and some really gross smelley yellowish green stuff would come out. That hasn't happened for quite some time now. This morning I had my first appearance of yellow stuff come out of the much less congested left nostril. It was brief but exciting none the less. My smell and taste are still nowhere near up to code. And the cruelest twist to all of this....I cannot taste pizza! In a wildly optomistic gesture, during my trip to South Street Monday, I decided to have facial accupressure at a Chinese Med Spa and then venture across the street to Lorenzo and Sons for one of their famous slices. It looked SO good. Like OVERWHELMINGLY delish......couldn't taste SHIT! I wanted to weep. It's been hard. So very hard....but I'm sad/ok to say that I'm coming to terms with the fact that this just might be the way my life goes. And then 5 years from now I'll be on OPRAH discussing how losing my taste/smell opened my eyes to other pleasures and helped my create my foundation for other young girls who love pizza and hate sinus infections.

Really- that's been my life lately. Living, Loving, Sneezing. We've just been exhisting....trying to get better. If Mark's feeling OK one day , he takes care of me. Rubs my back, makes me tea- if I'm feeling OK I take care of him. Rub his back, make him lemonade, force him to try homepathic remedies. I tried to switch the pillows on him last night...I thought it had worked. Until we actually went through our afformentioned drill: Take out the long pillows from the bottom- put them on the floor , stack the other two accordingly. He knew I had replaced his old pillow. He has this pillow....I can't even....I mean, you can practically HEAR the dust mites screaming and eating our flesh. So I thought mayhaps if this wasn't the SOURCE of disease in our house,,,it certainly was an accomplice. So I bought new pillows, washed our cases and tried a switcheroo. When I woke up this morning Mark had switched them in the middle of the night :). Ah well. I tried.
More to come. Until then- Pray for 'Yellow Stuff' people! PRAY!

XOXOJAC

Day 2 : Mellowdrama and Meltdowns

This evening, the end to day 2 of the No Carb Diet went a little something like this:

Jaclyn : Where are the pickles?? :head in fridge: Are you fucking kidding...you're kidding...I'm going to kill someone!

Mark: I guess someone ate em'

Jaclyn: WHO!?!?!

Mark: I don't know babe, someone...I'll go get you some pickles.

Jaclyn: NO!

Mark: YES!

Jaclyn: No...so help me...don't, I don't want you to :Mark heads out: DON'T! DON'T! I Don't WANT THEM!

Mark: You don't? You don't want them?

Jaclyn : No : makes face which suggests I do indeed want pickles:

Mark: You sure, I can go get them. I can eat them on my sandwhich tomorrow

Jaclyn: Well then I'm going with you

Mark: WHY!?

Jaclyn: Because if you're alone and you get into a car crash then you died going to get me PICKLES! And I can't....

Mark: Ok, let's go.

So Long , Farewell

Last night I said Farewell to one of my great loves: Carbohydrates.

Yes-in an effort to kick-start some serious summah summah summah time weight loss, I am trying the sacred heart soup diet. At least until I can get my hands on some crystal meth. I kid. But those horse pill things Rachel Zoe was handing out years ago- I'd go for some of that.

But it's 1pm on day one...and I'm not dying or anything but I would just really enjoy some dry toast. A yogurt? Something. But I am determined to follow this shit to the letter. At least for a week because supposedly, by day 3 I can drop up to
7lbs. Now let day 3 come and only 2lbs have been lost and I will find whoever wrote this out and sit on them while I eat a loaf of pepperoni bread and bounce on their stomach.
But today I can only eat the soup and fruit. Tomorrow I can have the soup and Veggies and then Day 3 I'll get to, "reward" myself with a baked potato. I feel like Oliver. The soup's not bad by any means .....but it's not pizza either. I just absolutely refuse to wear a one piece and/or tankini this summer. It's a hot pink bikini or a tarp. Go big (or small in this case) or go home. I looked DELISH last summer. Granted my last relationship was practically giving me chrones and the man I was seeing monitored every bite I took- but I'm thinking I can get back to my former Delish self in a somewhat-sensible way this time. But again- if you or someone you know have the 411 on where I can get horse pills....lemme know! :)

XOXO
JAC

Health Assurance

Votes have been cast. History has been made. And every one's pissed off on Facebook.
Yes it's clear the new health care reform just cannot please everyone. But it was about time for the President to stop asking around and just make it happen. And he did. And I am THRILLED.

Ya know, I just said to one of my friends, "97% of the people who are angry about this HAVE insurance". So in my little liberal minded opinion, they can't REALLY know or REALLY even care for that matter. You don't know what you've got til it's gone. I certainly didn't. And now as an uninsured, 20something woman living in America- I PRAY for the day I'll get to go see a Doctor again if I'm so inclined. Grateful as I am that this lack of ability to go for some years now has lead me to find great cures and assistance from Homeopathy and healers - I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't mind some amoxycillin once in a while! And does it scare the shit out of me that I can't get a mammogram even though I really should? SURE IT DOES but I try not to think about it! Would I love a dermatologist considering skin cancer runs in my family and the "cute beauty mark" I have on my leg could be killing me? You bet your ass but instead I'll opt for self tanner and a small prayer ceremony, "God wait until I have more than 500$ in my checking and then give me bad news".

For those of you who don't know- I will share with you. In 2007 I was attacked and it goes way beyond those words the awful things that happened to me. It was the beginning of summer and I was insured through my Mom and by being a full time college student. After my attack I required a little over a week of physical recovery. Thankfully my hospital stay and prescriptions were covered by insurance. When I returned to NYC I lasted all of a week before breaking down mentally. I called my best friend and my Mom and begged to come home. I hate the term, but I dropped out of college. I lost my health insurance. I left NYC in August of '07physically "ok" and deeply dangerously depressed. Through time I began to come around to the best of my own ability. But when I wanted to seek help I was unable. Is that fair? Well what's fair? Yes I made the call to drop out of college which was providing me with health coverage...but I could no longer walk down the street without thinking I saw my attacker. There were several occasions where I would "see" him, start sweating, panting and then vomit. I could not stand loud noises, if you "snuck up" on me as a joke- it took me about 2 hours to recover, I couldn't sleep , and I was afraid to be alone. My whole world was crashing around me. What should I have done? I don't know. But I came home and today I am glad I did. I was lucky enough last year to find a therapist who saw me on a "forgiveness" basis. Meaning I had a free appointment with her every week and she never took money from me. She said, "you need someone and I can help you. And so if you stop for coffee on your way, grab me one - if you write a book, give me a copy. Otherwise....no worries" This is rare I know, but I also know she saved me. She helped me go from someone who was running yellow lights hoping they'd get into an accident to someone who is so thankful for everything around me everyday. But I am lucky I found someone as wonderful for FREE. RARELY is that the case. Now , is that fair? To deny someone the chance to be well. To be whole? No, that's not fair. It's not right.

Listen- you don't get a CHOICE about insuring your car. And that's you CAR! Whats wrong with telling people that they HAVE to have insurance on their body....quite frankly this is one decision I don't mind the government making for me. Right on!
Last night while we were watching the 11pm news they read message board comments and one guy named David wrote something to the effect of, "I expect to pay more. As we all should expect to help ourselves and our neighbor" I wanted to find David and hug him. Because WOW, what an idea. Helping your fellow man. I KNOW we all have burdens to bare, and we have to watch out for ourselves and our families. But you give back too. And if you don't, you should. If this planet operated as more of a family than a world full of acquaintances and people only on the lookout for themselves...don't you think we'd be the better for it? I do.

XOXO
JAC

This Cat's an Asshole

Ahh unemployment. Home each day. Much needed beauty rest. Taking a little time to "enjoy The View" at 11am. Going to the gym -my new running mantra being, "you can't be FAT and marry the Track Coach"- they LOVE to hear me chant that one. Learning the joys of crock potting. Contimplating 50 easy ways to cook chicken. Learning lessons the hard way like- leaving defrosted chicken in the microwave (we put it in there so the cat can't get to it) for over 48 hours can lead to one awful smell. Organizing. Masturbating. Food Shopping. Not always in that order but you get the idea. I guess I'd become so focused on being A REAl Housegirlfriend of South Jersey, I had neglected Franki, my cat-my son. The former "man in my life". That was until Wednesday when I saw a black hole. His asshole.

My cats asshole was black as night. And I was beyond perplexed. Now picture it: my kitchen, in, "The Woo" as Mike Angelini calls our town. I am unpacking groceries -trying to throw all my stew ingredients in the crock- and my cat lays down to basque in the sunlight and THE BLACK ASSHOLE is out for all the world to see. "what the hell..." I said....I couldn't figure it out. Did he manage to break into the fireplace and only dip his asshole in the soot? I looked downstairs and our fireplace was still closed. Did he eat some petrfied wood which had escaped from the cinders and now passed the soot through his asshole? The Litter was clear, so no. Did he merely have a soot/asshole fetish? I STILL don't know. I only now his assholes white and fluffy again and I would just prefer it stay that way. Coaxing a cat so it will let you study it's asshole is no simple task and I'm fine with it if it's one I never have to complete again. This isn't one of those things your Mother prepares you for when she's telling you how to keep a house.

Back to this Housegirlfriend business. While I am pleased as punch to announce I was offered a job yesterday which I will begin this Summer- I am really enjoying keeping house. I'm not that great at it but I like it. I just f'ing hate vaccuming. Ugh. And the fact that it doesn't matter how many times I windex my stovetop (the actual oven- not the stuffing)it will inevitably have paw prints on it within 5 minutes. And now maybe even cat's black asshole prints. I'm in the midst of organizing our office. Which is , and well deservedly (is that even an f'ing word?) a shrine to Mark's many athletic undertakings and accomplishments. But I see now reason why "we" should limit a rooms potential and would like to cover any open nooks and panels with highlights from my theatrical career and the many headshots of Ann-Margret and George Michael. I also intend to spend a good portion of my future earnings at The Container Store and put those purchases to good use. But even just as it is- I LOVE our home. Mark's never made me feel like a guest. Or that I'm just passing through. Even our first "sleepover"- I had an overwhelming notion that this was where I belonged. I was thinking of this last night. Anytime I've thought of "going home" or "I want to be in my house" - I've in previous times thought only of my Mom's house. And while that will always be a home which is open to her children, this house- OUR house is my home. It's where my things are, where my heart is, where my love -THE love is. This life we've cultivated and continue to nurture is so lovely. And yes there are parts which are routine- around 11:13pm we take the big pillows out from the bottom of our pillow stacks and thrown them on our respective sides of the bed and flip the navy and white striped pillows to the top- I do this because that pillow is softer and the temperature is cooler/ I think Mark flips his because the gray and white checkered pillow he has is thicker and gives him more support- I play coy most times- I don't take ice and he knows this and I love that- he asks me almost everyday if I talked to my Mom. He will always make 3 parts to a dinner- So do I but at least one part is fucked up when I cook. These are things you can be sure of and I love that. Everything else is a big surprise and even the things at aren't ( I know he will be home by 2:45pm on a typical day and that time feels like Christmas morning everyday) are still wonderful everyday. When he plays guitar and sings it's the sweetest most romantic thing ever and I worship it. Yes folks , Heaven is right here in this house with a green roof. I never doubt that for a second.

~so listen~ I am gonna get going for now but it is my intention ( I know I say this a lot) to start updating at LEAST on a weekly basis. I swear it, on my Cat's asshole.
XOXO
JAC

So Happy Together

A month. A month and a week. A month and a week of being happy. Who knew!?
I sit here blogging, from my new home. My cat has joined our little happy family and he is quite perplexed by his litter box being next to a heater and the idea of stairs. Franki has never lived in a house with stairs before. But he loves the sunlight, the squirrels , and the mere idea of being around me again.

So it's been a month and now a little bit more than a week- and we're together everyday. And we'd be together more , I think, if we could be. He makes me laugh harder than anyone on the planet. He makes me dinner. I've come home every Sunday to fresh flowers....its insane. 3 Bruce Springsteen Concerts, one trip to the ER (I'll explain later) 2 semi-decent attempts to cook for him , and about 30 some odd nights of going to sleep, safe and blissful....I didn't know I could love someone like this. Or rather, someone could love ME like this. About once a week I wake up after he's left for work and there's a note or some lyrics taped to the mirror and it's always something gorgeous, but I keep telling him I wake up ready for the note to say, "I just can't" or "I am gay" or "please pack your things and go" or , "you're chicken was dry; I'm thru"....but instead I get, "I love you" , "Have a great day" and song lyrics that leave me practically in a puddle on the kitchen floor while I make my coffee. He asks me if I'm "sure" I want what he wants. I am more positive than a test at the free clinic. I love him. And that will never change. I can't believe 3 months ago, I just met this guy who played guitar and was cute, and had the greatest smile I've ever seen and now this is the person I lay next to at night and tell everything to. I trust him completely. He has given me everything I ever wanted and things I had NO idea I wanted.

I just want to be ANYWHERE he is. And I so look forward to anything and everything our life together will be because it will be with him.

"Darlin Won't You Ease My Worried Mind..."

Hello my lovely readers!???? Miss me!?!
I missed YOU!

I'm back after a lengthy hiatus. 6 months. YIKES.
Well as most of you know , I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that would rival the screenplay of a LIFETIME movie , from last January until the end of July. Happily though I am free and my life has been something along the lines of a dream come true lately. I mean I could always be thinner and have more money but the feelings of contentment and self worth I've come to know lately....along with the most perfect love ever...I'm just one happy pigeon.

In July I took a vacation with my now X to Jamaica....and of course while I was there I couldn't stay away from our resorts piano bar. Where I of course sang, "FAITH" numerous times and ended up competeing in the Talent Competition belting, "And I Am Telling You" only to receive a bottle of rum and hear the phrase, "there's no winner....everyone wins here!"...I'm still not over that. If it's a competition, SOMEONE better win, and it BETTER be me. - But I digress...
So I'm singing "FAITH", spreading the gospel of George Michael and when I'm done this nice guy approaches me with his lovely wife and says, "that was great...you don't happen to live in Jersey do ya?"....."well as a matter of fact I do!", "really, where?" "Cherry Hill-ish" and he was from Deptford (like for realsies what are the odds) and looking to add a girl singer to his classic rock cover band. And as we all know, Little Jaclyn has been dying to join a classic rock cover band for some time, just had no idea how that would ever come to pass. But here was an opportunity! So I come home from Jamaica, dump the boyfriend , stay in touch with the guy from Jamaica and by mid August I'm singing with the band, Loose Cannons for the first time. And I get up there with these guys at a gig , basically just to jam and see how things go and it's heaven. Like 30 songs I LOVE LOVE LOVE and I'm just living my dream of "fabulous career woman by day/Dana Fuchs' little sister by Night". SO I joined the band.
Now not only do I get to sing my favorite songs but I play with the best guys on the planet. Like, I LOVE my band. We've gotten SO good since we started, it's just incredible.

My first gig went off without a hitch obviously, and yea we had a ways to go and still are growing but from that first night, one thing was clear: I had CRAZY Stevie Nicks/Leslie Buckingham chemistry with my guitarist. Like we just fed off each other, would wink at one another and laugh and chat in between riffs and I just thought he was totes cute and that was that. And then he sang, "layla"....and I was done. I joined in on harmony and that last , "darlin won't you ease ...myyyyy worried.....miiiiiiind." DONE. DONE. DONE. But nothing happened. No drama. It was just clear we were adorable. But it's funny how you throw another skirt into the mix and it all changes. :) Our last gig, "coach" as we shall call him, brought a date. A DATE. in his defense...it was a set up and I had never revealed I had any genuine feelings for him. But I saw this chicklet chatting him up and drinking a beer with her clip in hair and I was about to get Glenn Close. I started texting Sasha, "true life: I am in love with my guitarist but he has some piece here with acrylic hair and a spandex shirt on" to which my bunny responded, "f*ck acrylic hair; go get your man".....after 3 more sets of sexual angst and rock n roll- of busting his balls about bringing a date when everyone knows "sundays at southwood are for flirting"- of him giving me sexy eyes and me telling him to "send michelle home" and half joking that I paid this huge biker guy, Don (who farted on our dance floor) to take her off his hands - I followed him out to his car to see if he needed any , "help". To which he said, "he was fine" and my confidence shriveled up and died momentarily and I started to walk away....he grabbed my arm,and said, "hey...are you serious?" and I said "yes, yes I am". And to be fair- I was serious. I was seriously attracted. All about some sexy guitar time , a little nasty nasty. But we kissed and had there been a word bubble above my head it would have read, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck". Because he kissed me, I kissed back and I basically got clubbed in the knees like Nancy Kerrigan. There's been no turning back. A day later , sitting in a local bar , sharing drinks and stories and finally talking to someone who I actually CARED about what they were saying....I knew I was in love. With my best friend no less. CRAZY. And here I am feeling this and kicking and cursing myself because I had my 'plan'. To be single now, to go to New York in november and hunt for peen with my girlfriends and start taking yoga and learn french once and for all. And so I went to the therapist and told her how "coach" had thrown a monkey wrench in all my plans. And she looked at me and told me I needed to be 100% honest with "Coach" because not only did he sound like a good guy overall but she was pretty sure I had met my soulmate. And so was I.

I tried to have "talk" with "Coach"....."we're at different points in our life....I don't know what I'm going to want in a year or 5...blah blah blah" and then in an instant I just blurted out, "I want to be with you".....and so I am.

I haven't felt this way since I met Brian when I was 16. And I always say to Brian, I listen to that John Mayer song, "I'm gonna find another you"...that it would and could only be someone I had THAT connection with to make me feel this way...and my therapist and I talked about how my person would have to be someone I connected with on that "brian" level, minus the drugs and drama. Someone who, like the dreaded X, had something to show for life but didn't give to get and didn't use me. Someone who wanted to take care of me but not fix me or "keep" me.

And here he is. So the answer seems to me: love him. Love him. stay with him. stay up late kissing and playing songs on the guitar. Just treasure this incredible love that I KNOW does NOT come around that often. He is magnificent. Kind and caring in a way that I had begun to doubt exhisted. Solid to the core. Knows who he is and wants nothing more than for me to be who I am and will do anything to encourage that I am that person. I'm just thanking God for him every minute because he is an angel. I love him. Love him. I know I sound like Renee Zelwegger in "jerry maguire" but I love him.

More to come....
xoxoxJAC