I'm Getting My Act Together

To say the last 24hours has been a nightmare .....that would be the understatement of the year.

To say it was a self inflicted hell ....that sounds  accurate.

I came home Monday morning (having spent the night at Mark's sunday after YAGMCB closed) to grab my salad and yogurt and all my other nonsense and as per usual went to give Franki a kiss. But he wasn't on my bed sleeping. And he wasn't in the basement playing. And he wasn't in the bathroom leaving paw prints on the bathtub....where the f was my cat?

I noticed there was a huge pile of cat SHIT on the porch...and that although there seemed to be no NEW rips in the screens...the small hole I had covered with bricks and such...was pretty exposed and I soon realized my cat was gone. Gone, and probably had been for some time. Panic. Panic , despair, DRAMA, blame....you name it, I felt it.  I just fell apart. I called out of work, and I just sat at my kitchen table and looked out the window.  What else could I do? I know now....I could've done a lot more.  I mean on one hand...yes, I'm glad I stayed home and if he had come back I would've been there but...I should've carried on. I should've kept myself together. And I realized this only today when the cat came back and I regained clarity and perspective. 

 I don't want to be this person.  This, as my boyfriend calls it, "delicate flower" who falls apart and that's that and everyone just takes it in stride and tip toes around it.  I crawled into bed yesterday and closed my eyes and shut out the world and I'm so mad at myself .

If I am going to define myself as a strong woman who works hard and doesn't take any bullshit....well I should probably start living that way. And I really don't know that I do.

I think there's obviously a difference between a soft heart and a soft head....I'm smarter than how I've been living.  Falling apart the way I tend to do simply demonstrates  a lack of control.  Which doesn't work for me...because I am the ONLY ONE who has control over who I am and what I become.  So I'm done.  Yes, I'll still be dramatic. I'll still weep openly every SINGLE TIME I watch , "The Way We Were" and I'll still assume Tony's going to live at the end of , "West Side Story".  But I'm just going to hold it all together with more than a thread from now on.

Luck O' The Irish?

Remember how the Cherry Hill Mall had the WHYY store???  Dear God if that wasn't my favorite place in the WORLD at the time.  And basically my babysitter while my Mother wandered around SEARS trying to figure out which credit card my StepMother hadn't run up.  It opened right around the time WHYY started broadcasting CATS and LES MIS in concert on a daily basis.  And so, not only did I spend my time in the store itself ; I spent my time in there pretending to be: Baumbalurina, Ruthie Henshall, and/or Wishbone (remember Wishbone?).  

And then came Michael Flatley.  The LORD of the Dance.  Mind you, I didn't give a SHIT about Riverdance. I mean it was cool and all but.....it wasn't Lord of the Dance. It didn't have the singing and the excitement and the story. Which is probably why Michael Flatley shot that shit out of a cannon and it became a phenomenon.  I was beside myself over it.  I wanted a claddagh ring, I started reading Irish fairy tales and planned on changing my name to Bridey(THANKS), I dyed my hair red again, I claimed I could speak "celtic" because I had memorized one of the traditional songs from the show and when people tried to call me on it I would say, 'I don't feel like it right now'.  Then I made my Mom buy me a VHS tape that supposedly taught you how to Irish Step Dance with one of the Riverdance guys teaching it.  .......I sprained my ankle trying to learn a reel and that was the end of that career path.  

The only thing left to do?  Why, feature Michael Flatley as the topic of my spanish collage in 7th grade, of course! Wouldn't You?  It went something like, "Michael Flatley e soy dancer. NO gato.  No Loco."....I obviously didn't get a very good grade. Considering I couldn't speak spanish and featured an Irish step dancer as my subject.  Oh Well.  That's true love.

XOXO

JAC

Stick it to Ya

It's always when you're just starting to feel confident about something that life turns around and smacks you upside the head .

I was just starting to really getting the hang of driving stick last friday.  I basically ran errands all day. And from major highways to small shopping centers , I was doing beautifully.  I could listen to music and shift at the same time....life was good.

That was all about to take a drastic turn (for realsies) for the worst.

My final errand was a run to Target for some last minute Charlie Brown things and to try on dresses that were only cut to fit an Olsen Twin.  I was on my way home chatting with Brian on the cell.  The cell was in my lap and on speaker and I still managed to shift and breath and talk......I was a PRO.  As I turned off of Rt 38 onto the exit ramp for the Garden State Shopping Center/Rt70 I looked ahead to see a stop sign. "Shiiiiiiiiiiit" I thought.  I'm really no good at the stop signs pre-major highway.  Mainly because this puts my car on a slant. And then I'm just completely and totally screwed.  You see, there's a "sweet  spot" with the clutch and the gas when you are going from a start into 1st gear....and it's not so hard to find it on level ground but on a slant. Not so much.  So picture it.  Car on slant. Stop. Start. Car begins to roll back into oncoming traffic and as I attempt each time to get it to go.....each time it stalls out.  And so now, not only am I compromising lives...even worse than that I am inconveniencing people beyond belief.  I start to sweat. I start to cry. And my legs begin to shake uncontrollably.  So I am doing everything I can to talk myself off the ledge but by now I am WAY too far gone in my head to get myself back, and even if I wanted to I couldn't get this car to go.  My clutch leg is shaking like Shakira's ass.  I decide that seeing as I am going to A: have to live here on this ramp. B: Miss my opening night and C: Kill myself , I should just roll the windows down and start screaming.  SO thats what I did.

About a minute later, the woman behind me gets out of her car (presumably to kill me) and approaches my window. "I'm SORRY I yell", "Ok calm down....do you think if you could get it to level ground  you could get it to go?" she calmly asks, "YES" I sob....."Ok , I'm gonna give you a push"....and so, this ANGEL, THIS GODDESS proceeds to physically push my car forward on the ramp.  And I just go , and yell, "Thank you, I'm SO SORRY".......and then I went to Wegman's and had a cookie and a water for lunch.  

Now I have to decide if Im ok with avoiding ramps forever or if I will attempt this death defying stunt again.  Considering there are ramps en route to the mall and my boyfriends house....I should probably consider another attempt.  Does anyone have a xanax?

XOXO

JKB

A Lotta Livn' To Do

I'm Baaaack.  I think.  

The family I nanny for has moved to suburbia.  A rather happy situation concerning that my commute in the morning is now about 7 minutes door to door and does not involve a crowded train; but also rather a predicament considering about an hour after I arrive for a day of suburban mothering to a toddler, I start to feel VERY Plath-like. Sylvia Plath. Just wanna make sure we're all together.  They won't have television until after Monday.  While I realize there's plenty o' things I could and SHOULD do with my time other than TV.....I find most of it takes me to a bad place.  The place we shall call, "the "quiet" in my mind".  Only, it's not very quiet...it's LOUD in there. 

 I tried reading.  Bergdorf Blondes, by Plum Sykes.  But its so superficial.  I know. I can't believe I just said that either.  But it is.  And all the "PH" (which is good ol' Plums abreva (no not the herpes stuff) for "Prospective Husband"), Manolos, and talk of pills and started to give me a panic attack the other day.    As I read how the lead character was about to off herself with an advil overdose I considered, "hey , maybe she's onto something.  and I am awful tired".  It was then that I put the book down and took the kid for a walk.  Even if I wasn't a 100% committed to the idea, I was still half crazy but half lucid to know that considering my own demise in any capacity meant a change was needed.  

I felt like I was drowning.  And as much as there were, in my mind, "a million reasons" there were really....I don't know, NONE.  Maybe 2 if I really wanted to get down to brass tacks but really...no.    So rather than expecting deception and dissapointment from everyone and everything in my life, I'm making an effort to believe in and expect truth and happiness.  Which is easier said than done when your boyfriend is 45 minutes away and you can't see him because you're playing a 4 year old who is basically space filler and psycho babble :)  But that's life.

Speaking of.  We open, "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" tomorrow....a labor of love and quite frankly I've never seen my friends so devoted to something and working so hard on something ever.  I however have never felt quite so random in my life.  And while , yes I know, this is the very role which earned Kristin Chenoweth her Tony, she must've been doing meth and Marc Kudisch must've been acting as a dramaturg during their little "engagement" because I'm just in my own little world of confusion.  I feel out of place, and often think they should've cast the two year old child I watch everyday.  She IS Sally Brown.  I on the other hand feel like the only person wearing a one piece at a nude beach.  But I'm amongst friends.  The Dog's easy on the eyes.  And I belt a lot.

In other news...I feel I can now say that I am a true stick shift driver.  I have pretty much mastered neutral to first (which for those of you who don't know- is what you need to do to get started at any stop/go point) and I was having HUGE issues going from 2nd to 3rd which - ha- is a bit of a necessity but Mark sorted it out yesterday and realized my car is a little different than his and you have to go a bit further right into 3rd.  I know no one cares but this realization has made my life a lot easier and has made the roads safer for all of you. So , CARE MORE!

I'm currently in rehearsals for Midsummer Nights Musical as well and it's so fun because , again, it's just a bunch of people I LOVE thrown into a room.  And we sing. And we laugh.  And Kim and I do our best not to look at each other and set the other one off.   We really need to put Nat Chandler's picture back up on the wall though...it just feels wrong without it.  Like, if Rick Astley played a concert and didn't sing, "Never Gonna Give You UP"....just wrong.

I joined Twitter today.  I tweet now.  I think it's stupid. And frankly I don't know why I've been updating it when it's obvious to me that the people I've decided to "follow" on there,( which include a Real Housewife of NYC, Gavin Newsom, and Whole Foods) probably don't give a shit that I had mixed feelings on the L Word series finale.  Yet, I continue to tweet.  I mean if for no other reason than to hear my phone make pretty noises with updates.  Mark gave me an I Phone and it's like crack.  I no longer find myself wanting to bite Erica's fingers off for being a blackberry whore because...I get it now.  The world is literally, SADLY at my fingertips.  The moment Mark gave it to me it was clear he'd made a mistake....I was checking email, checking weather, checking Perez....checking STOCKS.  Mark just said, "I think I just lost my girlfriend"  "Honey, NO! :head burried in typing in banking information:...I can BANK from my PHONE!"

It's just bad all around.  The good news though, is that I can't talk on the phone or text while driving anymore....stick robs you of that option.  It's sad.

Before I end....allow me to enlighten you with one of my favorite moments learning to drive stick.  This was in the early stages, and is a phone call made in urgency to Brian Rivell's cell phone.

Brian: Hi There (slightly kind, slightly , "why are you calling my cell when I'm at work")

Jaclyn: Hi. How do I get this car to stop rolling?

Brian: :laughing: WHAT!?!

Jaclyn: No SERIOUSLY! IT'S ROLLING!

Brian: OK OK...clutch. break. neutral. parking break.

Jaclyn: NO ..WAIT... oh ok. Thanks, bye.

Brian: Bye

XOXO JAC

Because, WHO doesn't love a PARADE!?!

Honestly....how did it get to be December!?!  It seems only yesterday I was sitting al fresco with the Rivells, complaining how only skinny people can enjoy summer because they don't have to wear SPANX under their sundresses. And now, here I am; layered and chapped.  When it's summer I whine for winter and when it's winter I whine for a disposable income so I can go to Puerto Valliarta for a week.  

Everyone's been asking me how I am dealing with the closing of KISS ME KATE.  I'm fine......

Don't get me wrong, I'm sad but I'm not curled up in a ball in the basement humming, "Another Openin' ".....it was such a wonderful experience, but I was EXHAUSTED!  I'm still exhausted.   It was the first time I've ever played a real lead character who was onstage consistently and had 3 very difficult, belt-a-licious songs.  And I am so proud to say I did it alongside an EXTREMELY seasoned and talented cast , especially my 3 fellow principal actors who were the best of the best. I was...I am, SO lucky.  But again, it was VERY difficult and I looked forward to (every night) the end of "Always True To You" every night. Not only in the hopes that I would give people their moneys worth and they would see that I truely love what I do, but also ....because I just couldn't wait for my work to be done :)  I had a degree of paralyzing fear inside of me every single performance until that last song was over, but ( I believe) every night I did it. And I pulled it off.  And the pride I take with me from that is immeasurable.  I'll never forget it.  

Everyone's also asking me, "What's next for you?" .....well I don't know about that.  I finally seem to have found the drive and the courage to put together an "act" for myself. This is something I've been dreaming of for a long time now. I questioned if I was capable, worth watching, old enough ....I mean I questioned everything.  But I am surrounded by love; by a validation and sincerity I've never known.  And there's no more , "Why?" it's only, "Why not?".  So I'm going to make it happen. I've been encouraged to look around, and explore my options where performing goes. And yes, that's the thing to do sometimes and it's wonderful if and when you have many options. At the same token, I like familiarity.  I like to have a "family"...I like the family I've found.  It has been my dream, since I was a kid, to work at the Ritz.  It was the people (many of whom I worked alongside in KISS ME KATE and THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE) who I saw perform at The Ritz, that made me want to perform in the first place.  So when I walk through the door (or fall down the stairs) at The Ritz and people know my voice when I call out to them, and Bruce gives me a hug and I get to hold Kim's hand, share a dressing room with Brian, stretch and vocalize onstage....you name it. I'm beside myself.  There's a song in the Yeston/Kopit PHANTOM called "Home" and it says, 

"All my life I've been waiting in my mind in a rocking chair

For my Fancy to take me where I would know the time

...... I would know the place

Skin would tingle and pulse would race as they do..it's here I'm Home

Where Music fills the air and I'm home where a thousand lovers cry , swoon and sigh.....

and If I sing with all my heart, I'll be home"

Well I feel like I'm home. And I'll continue to grow and maybe I'll stretch my wings but I'm also happy and I'm happy without feeling like I've settled. I feel like people don't take me for granted and there's constantly an opportunity to explore all the things I love. Singing, Acting, Comedy, Writing....I feel more and more artistically satisfied. I'm constantly growing, and how wonderful is that?  I was sitting in Nat's dressing room and I said, "you know I know I'll never be an ingenue, I get it..." and Nat looked at me and said, "well who do you think you are? You are the ingenue in this show. No question." ....I almost died. I felt like screaming, "Look Ma! I'm an ingenue!" What a kick!

Moving On...

One of the best things about not being in KISS ME KATE (or any show really) is that you get your life back. But along with this comes the sadness of being away from a cast of people you grow to love.  Not seeing them all, especially B Rivs on a daily basis is trying....the man is my brother, my dad, my bob fosse, the Ike to my Tina......so Saturday the Rivells killed many birds with a stone covered in glitter and mini blueberry muffins.  Yes, it was open house for the Collingswood Holiday Parade.  And although it was a lot for me to wake up at 8am it was well worth it. Bagels, coffee, kids, dogs, life partners and the would-be surrogates who love them, all gathered to enjoy (and make fun of) the Collingswood "elite".  It was glorious. Brian and I ran after tootsie rolls being thrown from children like Jeff Conaway hobbles after oxycotin.  Melissa played papparazzi and I attempted to stand next to one of those weird carney guys with a Monkey.....I just wanted to stand next to him. HE decided to place the monkey on my head.  I rationalized I've experienced worse moments with middle aged men, could a monkey and the arm of a middle aged carney be any worse?  

A car caught on fire.  And we laughed.  I tried to explain to Brian and Paula what 2 Girls 1 Cup is but Emily was hanging on our every word and then announced she'd like to star in , "once on this island"......then Colin sang selections from "The Woman in White" (jk...but he did do a stunning rendition of Too Darn Hot that gave his father a run for the money).

Thanksgiving was fun as usual.  It's always "fun" to be cornered by your mother in the car. 

The good news is that it gave she and I the opportunity to talk...really talk.  She asked me what I had to do Friday...if I would be picking Erica up from the train. I said, "yea after I go visit Brian" (my brian, not b rivs) ...shockingly we both lived through that admission.  And I explained myself...and I couldn't get over how she actually listened to me. She told me the truth but she saw my side, and more importantly she saw our love for one another.  And though I know she's not thrilled (as many aren't) with our decision she is, as I am, cautiously optimistic. And more importantly, supportive.  

I saw Brian on Friday as usual....I almost didn't get in because apparently, "fashion forward" is not a phrase commonly used in the Philadelphia HOC.  I almost wasn't allowed in because my black longsleeved shrug can be considered a coat. But my eyes filled up, my face turned purple, and I said, "I wear this in here ALL the time, it's a SHRUG, not a COAT! I wore a coat, this is a shrug!" ....The male correctional officer, they called in to play Tim Gunn announced I could wear it if I wrapped in around my waist and put my cinch belt over it. When this was all said and done I told him he was brilliant, because in the end, it looked better that way!  I gave Brian a hug and a kiss and he said, "baby, were you crying" and I sat down and told him the heidi klum "auf wiedersein" horror of it all. But we were fine.   We were together.  It was an incredibly short visit compared to the last one...last time, by some miracle we had an entire hour and a half together.  This time it was a half hour , IF that (the warden was over our PDA....seriously, did I just utter that sentence?)  but Brian told me something that meant so much to me.  He gave me the lyrics to "unchained melody" and it's not like I don't know them...it's not like he had them written in sand script...but he just repeated them to me and I heard them and my heart just filled up.  I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

So...

You may have seen me on the CBS 4pm news. I was the crazed Nanny, child in tow , running back and forth behind Meteorologist, Kathy Orr. You call it crazy but that kid got her start in show biz early and when she wins a subscriber's choice, I'll be laughin' all the way to the Manor to buy her her first Nacho's Grande! SUCKAS!  There was also a grown man dressed as an elf who announced this was his 10th year as "Sprinkles" the Elf and I called my mother and said, "this is why I don't try to work full time as an actress, because I don't want to announce to my friends that I'm in my 10th year as "Sequins" the Elf in order to pay my rent during the Holiday Season. 

Stay Tuned

XOXO

JAC

The Pleasure Seekers...

Well where to begin...

The last 3 weeks or however long it's been since I checked in seem to have flown and dragged by simultaneously.  "KISS ME KATE" is over and I assumed life would go back to "normal"...whatever the hell that is.  It would seem though that now there's a whole new level of "production" that's been added to my world and life is going to be anything but.  

To begin with, Peter, or -"a waste of 31 days" as he will now be referred to, is gone. At our last rendezvous- BTW...if you're a family member you may want to skip ahead :)....Peter told me to come over for a glass of wine and to go in his newly fixed hot tub.  Sounded like my first time in a hot tub was a quick shave and a car ride away. I was wrong.

We sat in his kitchen, looking at each other like science experiments, listening to him apologize for his kitchen table being, again, "a shit hole".  We drank some wine then headed out to the hot tub. This was IT! Or so I thought.....

Once we were submerged I thought I was hot shit , having removed my bathing suit under the bubbles.  But 20 minutes later and still no action , I was annoyed and started looking for the jets...I figured somebody had to get off tonight and it damn well better be me.  Peter kept talking about work...the cold he felt coming on, and how he was going to carpet his guest room. When the jet cycle ended I said, "can you get me a plastic bag for my bathing suit , I'm going now".  And so I did and we've not been in contact since. Thank god.  He was sucking the life force from my veins.  That was a Wednesday....2 weeks ago. 

Friday I went to visit Brian in the big house again.  This time I was alone, and we were going to be able to actually see, and touch each other and sit together. And from the moment we hugged...I think we both knew we were, "in trouble" as they say.  We tried to make light of lots of things and of course we had our inside jokes to make us laugh. But everything we had been through in the last 5 years (ironic) was too much and we really couldn't sweep feelings under the rug anymore.  And the pain of the situation...him being all alone and nothing anyone could do; my pain and frustration and all that we had dealt with and come through and somehow ended up beside each other again, it just sucker punched us both.  We sat and Brian held my hand and didn't take his eyes off me, I tried so hard not to look into his eyes and kept looking all around me.  I put my hand on the back of his neck and told him I forgave him for anything and everything and that I loved him and would always be there for him.  He told me he hoped he would always be in my life and when I told him that without him I didn't have a life...he started to cry. We hugged and I said, "Bri I do not know why we're in each other's lives...I don't know in what capacity we're supposed to be in those lives but I know we have to be there for one another.  It's just the way it goes" And he said, "I don't care what capacity , I just need you with me" and I assured him I would always be there. He told me how beautiful I was and we reminisced about the many summers we'd spent together...emails and poems we'd written, funny names we'd called each other. And before we knew it the time we had was up. We hugged and he just buried his face in my neck and just before we pulled away entirely, we kissed for the first time in nearly 4 years. It was quick but special none the less. I walked to one side and he walked to the other and we both looked back at the same time.  

I walked to my car and was crying. I wanted my best friend to be coming back with me.  I was really happy for a half hour that had given me more joy and meaning than much of what I'd experienced with anyone else in the last year, but it still stung so bad to be leaving alone.  

I had the show all weekend...I didn't have the time to be sad.  I felt more and more confident with each performance and we had received and incredible review from The Courier Post. I finally felt like the hard work had paid off....for once performing felt like a job to be taken to heart not just something I did for a weekend for fun.  

It seemed there was more to play out from my ever-present-past......

This is my , "BLIND ITEM" I guess...you guess/ I know.

I know we all move on from things. That's lovely. I'm over it. But what happened to sensitivity in certain situations? More importantly, and to the point.  If it meant so little to you (I'll be 'respectful' and not name names) a mere few months ago to list your relationship status on such a "fickle" little website as facebook...whats the change?  And how lame can you be? It's playing out like quite the mid-life crisis. It just baffles me.  To have been so wrong about someone. To have given him the benefit of the doubt and said, "he's a good guy.." when clearly he's as selfish as anyone I've ever known.  It's just funny....suddenly his past..his "situation" makes perfect sense. I was upset briefly, now all I can do is laugh..and be greatful...because as Al said, "You didn't love him...you didn't really like him that much. You had some good sex and you drank some great liquor. Now lets be done with it". And I am.

I felt so hurt though...and it's an awful thing to wanna talk to your best friend and all you can do is write a damn letter....I feel like little house on the prairie.  I desperately needed a letter from Brian...just something to know that the person I loved was out there. But there was nothing. Wednesday I had work and then we had our final Wednesday performance of "...KATE"...I was over it. I had been writing to Brian all day, just how I felt, even though it was silly to do this since I would be seeing him in 2 days.  The people I work for were awesome and got home a little early so I could get to the theatre with some time to spare. I did. I did my make up, set my hair, began to put on all of my stuff and realized, "SHIT BALLS I HAVE NO GARTER" It was at home...or so I thought. My Mom was coming to the show with Ron, I had 40 minutes til curtain, to say I was stressed was the understatement of the century. I raced home in my death box of a car and flew through our front door trying not to stop.  But there on our kitchen table was a letter with a huge heart drawn on it....It was from Brian and I lost it.  I didn't even have time to breath let alone read the one thing I needed to ease my mind. To top it all off the damn garter was missing.  I grabbed tights, thigh highs, anything I could find that I could make do with once I got back to the theatre.

Thankfully, once I got home, my "team"...Stephen, Erika, Erienne, Cait, Michelle and Nicole....everyone! Was ready, and willing to help me. I didn't even have to lift a finger. I just stood there and in 5 minutes, my mic was taped, my shoes were buckled, my hair was done and it was, "places". I read my letter and was momentarily annoyed that Brian hadn't written something "poignant" enough for me. I sang my first song and came off to change into my Elizabethan costume. I noticed the envelope had a hidden quote along where it was sealed, "I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot drive the streets at night, I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind. Did I make it that she's able to walk right in and out of my life?" I had to hold back tears....as always, I had underestimated our connection. He knew, somehow, what I needed to hear. In an instant I felt calm. 

I decided to join Jaimie and the rest of the world Thursday night to see TWILIGHT. I ordered my tickets and Erica was going to join me after a romantic dinner for two of pizza hut. What else?

We got to the Loews in Cherry Hill and fandango couldn't retrieve my tickets...I asked for assistance from the hobbit working the desk and he asked me to pull up my confirmation on Erica's blackberry. I did and he informed me, "Ma'am...you bought tickets to see the film at Cinemark." Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

We left. Erica was over me. Jaimie was over me. I was over me. The vampires were over me. Then we got home and Erica handed me a box to carry. So I did. Because wives carry boxes.It was raining and I promptly twisted my bad ankle in the driveway. I decided God was telling me to get my ass inside or be struck down by lightening.  I went to bed looking forward to tomorrow because I was going to see Brian again.

I slept in, showered and was on my way! You've never seen someone so excited to go to prison! I felt like Velma Kelly!

I arrived at the detention center and waited to be called only to find out when I was that Brian had been moved next door to the house of corrections which was actually a good thing.

His custody level was down. As I waited in this new place the "ladies" began to swap stories. One such lucious specimen began to inspire us with the story of one of the inmates "bitches" who had recently been detained. She explained, ever so delicately (she only had one front tooth afterall), "WHAT you gonna do if you in here...he ain't gonna come visit you! Ain't nobody comin to bail your ass out now! And ain't nobody gonna write your dumbass a letter and even if he did, he write to me and I would write back...IN RED PEN, 'LOVE DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE....PLAYA"......well...I was on the floor after that. Not only was it the laugh that being in prison waiting to see the man I loved, I truely needed, but I also found the title for my one woman show :)

Brian and I were somehow lucky enough to visit an hour and a half with each other. No one came to get me after my scheduled half hour. We didn't argue, or ask, we just held hands and talked. Constantly reminding the other that we loved each other.  And somehow came to the conclusion that we're just not sure it's all said and done as far as our relationship goes.

I'll close here for now, though clearly there's more to write about with the closing of "...Kate".

Before anyone comes to tell me off about my present choice where Bri and I are concerned. I am not stupid. I am not living in a fantasy. I try to but believe me I've been through too much to be that naive(that's evian spelled backward). I am HOPEFUL. I'd like to think you can end up with your first love or at least write a brilliant song about it, like Jon and Dana did :)

More to come! Enjoy Guru Kim and Miss Jenn :)

STAY TUNED! 

XOXO

JAC

"Carrie Likes a JAZZZZZZZ Man"

OK. KISS ME KATE is over....sadly yet inevitably and though it hurts my heart to leave this complete joy of an experience- the upside, Dear Readers, is now I can update again!

Which is what I plan to do as soon as I return from WHOLE FOODS and Wegmans with Tep. I  am planting myself firmly on my couch with Erica...and anyone else who cares to join, for that matter :)  And I will update you all on the last 2 weeks. WHEW! What MADNESS! To give you some insight...I went to bed at 7am .....ahhhhh what crazy cast parties and Fred's sensual Cosmopolitans can do.  Ok....SO have no fear. An update is on it's way, and a change is gonna come.  Meanwhile...I just "discovered" David Bowie's later musical contributions and I think I'm a little in love with Black Tie White Noise. RANDOM.

Stay Tuned

xoxo

JAC