The last 3 weeks or however long it's been since I checked in seem to have flown and dragged by simultaneously. "KISS ME KATE" is over and I assumed life would go back to "normal"...whatever the hell that is. It would seem though that now there's a whole new level of "production" that's been added to my world and life is going to be anything but.
To begin with, Peter, or -"a waste of 31 days" as he will now be referred to, is gone. At our last rendezvous- BTW...if you're a family member you may want to skip ahead :)....Peter told me to come over for a glass of wine and to go in his newly fixed hot tub. Sounded like my first time in a hot tub was a quick shave and a car ride away. I was wrong.
We sat in his kitchen, looking at each other like science experiments, listening to him apologize for his kitchen table being, again, "a shit hole". We drank some wine then headed out to the hot tub. This was IT! Or so I thought.....
Once we were submerged I thought I was hot shit , having removed my bathing suit under the bubbles. But 20 minutes later and still no action , I was annoyed and started looking for the jets...I figured somebody had to get off tonight and it damn well better be me. Peter kept talking about work...the cold he felt coming on, and how he was going to carpet his guest room. When the jet cycle ended I said, "can you get me a plastic bag for my bathing suit , I'm going now". And so I did and we've not been in contact since. Thank god. He was sucking the life force from my veins. That was a Wednesday....2 weeks ago.
Friday I went to visit Brian in the big house again. This time I was alone, and we were going to be able to actually see, and touch each other and sit together. And from the moment we hugged...I think we both knew we were, "in trouble" as they say. We tried to make light of lots of things and of course we had our inside jokes to make us laugh. But everything we had been through in the last 5 years (ironic) was too much and we really couldn't sweep feelings under the rug anymore. And the pain of the situation...him being all alone and nothing anyone could do; my pain and frustration and all that we had dealt with and come through and somehow ended up beside each other again, it just sucker punched us both. We sat and Brian held my hand and didn't take his eyes off me, I tried so hard not to look into his eyes and kept looking all around me. I put my hand on the back of his neck and told him I forgave him for anything and everything and that I loved him and would always be there for him. He told me he hoped he would always be in my life and when I told him that without him I didn't have a life...he started to cry. We hugged and I said, "Bri I do not know why we're in each other's lives...I don't know in what capacity we're supposed to be in those lives but I know we have to be there for one another. It's just the way it goes" And he said, "I don't care what capacity , I just need you with me" and I assured him I would always be there. He told me how beautiful I was and we reminisced about the many summers we'd spent together...emails and poems we'd written, funny names we'd called each other. And before we knew it the time we had was up. We hugged and he just buried his face in my neck and just before we pulled away entirely, we kissed for the first time in nearly 4 years. It was quick but special none the less. I walked to one side and he walked to the other and we both looked back at the same time.
I walked to my car and was crying. I wanted my best friend to be coming back with me. I was really happy for a half hour that had given me more joy and meaning than much of what I'd experienced with anyone else in the last year, but it still stung so bad to be leaving alone.
I had the show all weekend...I didn't have the time to be sad. I felt more and more confident with each performance and we had received and incredible review from The Courier Post. I finally felt like the hard work had paid off....for once performing felt like a job to be taken to heart not just something I did for a weekend for fun.
It seemed there was more to play out from my ever-present-past......
This is my , "BLIND ITEM" I guess...you guess/ I know.
I know we all move on from things. That's lovely. I'm over it. But what happened to sensitivity in certain situations? More importantly, and to the point. If it meant so little to you (I'll be 'respectful' and not name names) a mere few months ago to list your relationship status on such a "fickle" little website as facebook...whats the change? And how lame can you be? It's playing out like quite the mid-life crisis. It just baffles me. To have been so wrong about someone. To have given him the benefit of the doubt and said, "he's a good guy.." when clearly he's as selfish as anyone I've ever known. It's just funny....suddenly his past..his "situation" makes perfect sense. I was upset briefly, now all I can do is laugh..and be greatful...because as Al said, "You didn't love him...you didn't really like him that much. You had some good sex and you drank some great liquor. Now lets be done with it". And I am.
I felt so hurt though...and it's an awful thing to wanna talk to your best friend and all you can do is write a damn letter....I feel like little house on the prairie. I desperately needed a letter from Brian...just something to know that the person I loved was out there. But there was nothing. Wednesday I had work and then we had our final Wednesday performance of "...KATE"...I was over it. I had been writing to Brian all day, just how I felt, even though it was silly to do this since I would be seeing him in 2 days. The people I work for were awesome and got home a little early so I could get to the theatre with some time to spare. I did. I did my make up, set my hair, began to put on all of my stuff and realized, "SHIT BALLS I HAVE NO GARTER" It was at home...or so I thought. My Mom was coming to the show with Ron, I had 40 minutes til curtain, to say I was stressed was the understatement of the century. I raced home in my death box of a car and flew through our front door trying not to stop. But there on our kitchen table was a letter with a huge heart drawn on it....It was from Brian and I lost it. I didn't even have time to breath let alone read the one thing I needed to ease my mind. To top it all off the damn garter was missing. I grabbed tights, thigh highs, anything I could find that I could make do with once I got back to the theatre.
Thankfully, once I got home, my "team"...Stephen, Erika, Erienne, Cait, Michelle and Nicole....everyone! Was ready, and willing to help me. I didn't even have to lift a finger. I just stood there and in 5 minutes, my mic was taped, my shoes were buckled, my hair was done and it was, "places". I read my letter and was momentarily annoyed that Brian hadn't written something "poignant" enough for me. I sang my first song and came off to change into my Elizabethan costume. I noticed the envelope had a hidden quote along where it was sealed, "I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot drive the streets at night, I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind. Did I make it that she's able to walk right in and out of my life?" I had to hold back tears....as always, I had underestimated our connection. He knew, somehow, what I needed to hear. In an instant I felt calm.
I decided to join Jaimie and the rest of the world Thursday night to see TWILIGHT. I ordered my tickets and Erica was going to join me after a romantic dinner for two of pizza hut. What else?
We got to the Loews in Cherry Hill and fandango couldn't retrieve my tickets...I asked for assistance from the hobbit working the desk and he asked me to pull up my confirmation on Erica's blackberry. I did and he informed me, "Ma'am...you bought tickets to see the film at Cinemark." Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
We left. Erica was over me. Jaimie was over me. I was over me. The vampires were over me. Then we got home and Erica handed me a box to carry. So I did. Because wives carry boxes.It was raining and I promptly twisted my bad ankle in the driveway. I decided God was telling me to get my ass inside or be struck down by lightening. I went to bed looking forward to tomorrow because I was going to see Brian again.
I slept in, showered and was on my way! You've never seen someone so excited to go to prison! I felt like Velma Kelly!
I arrived at the detention center and waited to be called only to find out when I was that Brian had been moved next door to the house of corrections which was actually a good thing.
His custody level was down. As I waited in this new place the "ladies" began to swap stories. One such lucious specimen began to inspire us with the story of one of the inmates "bitches" who had recently been detained. She explained, ever so delicately (she only had one front tooth afterall), "WHAT you gonna do if you in here...he ain't gonna come visit you! Ain't nobody comin to bail your ass out now! And ain't nobody gonna write your dumbass a letter and even if he did, he write to me and I would write back...IN RED PEN, 'LOVE DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE....PLAYA"......well...I was on the floor after that. Not only was it the laugh that being in prison waiting to see the man I loved, I truely needed, but I also found the title for my one woman show :)
Brian and I were somehow lucky enough to visit an hour and a half with each other. No one came to get me after my scheduled half hour. We didn't argue, or ask, we just held hands and talked. Constantly reminding the other that we loved each other. And somehow came to the conclusion that we're just not sure it's all said and done as far as our relationship goes.
I'll close here for now, though clearly there's more to write about with the closing of "...Kate".
Before anyone comes to tell me off about my present choice where Bri and I are concerned. I am not stupid. I am not living in a fantasy. I try to but believe me I've been through too much to be that naive(that's evian spelled backward). I am HOPEFUL. I'd like to think you can end up with your first love or at least write a brilliant song about it, like Jon and Dana did :)
More to come! Enjoy Guru Kim and Miss Jenn :)
STAY TUNED!
XOXO
JAC
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