The Lies of Me....

It's a sick day for me. I had planned to blog last night....but I started getting sick Wednesday night and by Thursday...there was a full blown attack of the post nasal drip. Post Nasal Drip....mayhaps my LEAST favorite of symptoms. Maybe its because I'm a singer, but that feeling like there's a bog ol' HOLE in your throat and you can't hock that mess of nasty out of your throat....what a nightmare.  I obviously caught this bird flu from my little chicken that I'm with everyday.  She's sick and sneezy...and her favorite time/place to sneeze is when she's about to give me a kiss and looking me in the face.  And I can't get upset because...she means well.  But anyways...here I lie, on my couch. Just me and the ladies of the VIEW.  And I've got much to update everyone on....

It's been a week of bad.  A whole lotta' bad.  

My cold. My break-up. Learning I am living a lie. XANADU closing. And Pat O'Brien is fired from The INSIDER.  It's overwhelming.  

I was getting ready to go out for Runway night at Joey's and explaining to my roomates how my "progressive" mother managed to explain the many adult theme's in Dirty Dancing to me.  When Cynthia Rhodes , "Penny", has her abortion, clearly at the tender age of 3 while cruising around naked in my Barbie car, I was clueless as to how Penny got that way. So I asked, "Mommy...why is Penny BLEEDING!?"....and Mkb responded with, "she fell....she fell down the stairs and hit her stomach on a table." CASE CLOSED.  For YEARS I believed this.  And as a result, became quite terrified of stairs AND the corners of tables everywhere.  I literally never found out the truth until I was probably 14.  I was shocked. But I was about to be Gobsmacked when Kelly, my best friend and roomate announced, "I've never seen it...".....Never seen WHAT!?? An Abortion? A Table? No. Kelly had never seen Dirty Dancing.  I was dumbfounded.  How had I been friends with this person for the better part of the last 12 years...how was I sleeping with a mere wall between us....HOW!???! HOW!??? I reached for the laptop and began to read my "top movies" from my facebook...90% of which Kelly had not seen. INCLUDING , but not limited to....Gone With the Wind, Mystic Pizza, Mean Girls, THE BIG CHILL. I was in a hell unlike any I had ever known....but I had to leave to go to Runway. Not without inforcing that in the NEAR future a day of movies will take place.  It has to. I can't live this lie.

Next. Broadwayworld broke the sad news....XANADU has announced it is closing. The news itself is treacherous enough...but there are no reasons.  WHY?? WHY? is this happening. To the best of my knowledge the show is still fiercely popular and packed.  SO....to quote Queenie, "how did we come to this?!". I don't understand. I just know it hurts. It hurts so bad.  

So I just went out to get gas, check my oil, and buy the neccessary items to soothe the sickness.  I went to what looked like a nice, relatively inexpensive little gas station. Boy, was I wrong. 20 MINUTES LATER.  Dear God. I am not a mechanic. I'm not! I don't KNOW how much oil I need...that's why I came to you. I am sick, I am wearing my Eponine hat and my glasses are pinching my nose so tight that I look like Fivel instead.  It was just not helping the situation.  Add Shirley, the degenerate salesperson at Rite Aid into the mix and I'm lucky I made it back to the futon.  

I did have a glimmer this week....

Remember that heinously wonderous public access show on CN8, "Seeking Solutions with Suzanne"....starring senior citizen, Suzanne Roberts??  Well I do. My friend Mike Coon performed selections from various episodes everyday during High School lunch.  "will you watch me and gimme some TIPS!"....or "WHAT IS TAI CHI!?" Brilliant.  Well as I was strolling with my little charge in Rittenhouse, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Suzanne..sitting ..with a black toy poodle (clearly). I said, "shut the hell up)....rather loudly. Suzanne is all but deaf and she totally heard me. I used the kid to my advantage...because old people can't resist a cute baby. And I got to tell Suzanne what a huge fan I am. It was a big moment for everyone....even the poodle.  

On a serious note.  I ended something....we ended something...our relationship this Monday.  It was a long time coming sadly.  Really.  It hasn't been right for...actually I don't know that it was ever right.  I went into something fully knowing I was never going to be loved by this person but constantly looking forward, thinking in future-tense of how wonderful things would be when he did this, or when he realized that , or when he got over this and that. It's a mistake I think many of us make. Seeing someone's potential for them; you can't.  Just like you can't save someone...well maybe you can.  But I don't know that you should.  I feel quite hollow on the inside when I think of what now? Who now? ......It's incredibly hard to know you feel a certain way and the other person feels a flat line.  Especially when what you feel is love.  Combine it with the fact that...I thought I knew the score.  Initially what we had? An affair essentially. I could do that, I could handle that. There were rules to the game.  Once you're in a relationship....and further more once you're in love, what are the rules?  It makes me sick at how much we talked and talked and talked and nothing was said.  I allowed someone to take out all their pain from their past on me...thinking that martyrdom would make me loveable.  It just made me pathetic.  I never asked for anything. I never made demands for fear of pushing him away and as a result spend most of the "relationship" (what a bullshit word) being miserable and developing ulcers. Lovely.  As always I allowed a handful of good times to overshadow an incredible amount of dissatisfaction.  It makes me sad. I found someone who made me happy. Who I , at the time, profoundly respected. Because of him and who he was I believed that you could find adventures even being with the same person....maybe that was because we never saw eachother or maybe there was a genuine excitement about being with him.  I don't know.  I feel extremely cheated.  I feel angry.  I don't know how I earned this...I really don't.  Somehow I got someone else's karma...won't say who...but its baffling to me.  I never even met this person.  

I think maybe, as an adult, this was the first time I had ever been in love. So it's extremely depressing and very bittersweet.  I feel cynical where love's concerned...and I hate that.  That's what I want to get away from the most....that feeling that all this love I felt, a love that literally at one point brought me to my knees, is just useless. It has nowhere to go.  There's nowhere I can put it. I certainly don't want it. I'm sick of feeling overwhelmed by it.  Everyday it will dissipate a little more....time heals everything.  

Stay Tuned.

Jac