Nervous...Happy...Scared...Excited

I can't sleep. Everything in my life is going well and it's scary to me. I seriously just got up....lifted the arm of the man who loves me and falls asleep holding me to come write this blog because my heart is pounding.

I'm reminded of a Sex and The City:The Movie quote (shocking I know), when Charlotte is asked by Carrie, why she, an avid runner is not running while pregnant she weeps, "I have everything I ever wanted, I am so happy I am terrified. No body gets everything the want"...combine that quote SCREAMING in my head with an hour of "Bethenny Getting Married" and you have my recipe for insomnia and subsequent face picking.

I am HAPPY. This little life of mine which has always seemed to be in shambles...it's starting to feel like lately, I'm picking up the pieces and they fit into a gorgeous puzzle. My family is wonderful- my father is back in my life in a new and fantastic way that is so needed and so magnificent I can hardly describe how his presence has just closed this hole in my heart. Mark is.....God, where to begin. Mark is everything. He is my heart and soul, my smile, my joy. My best friend, my LOVAHHHHHHHH, my partner. I am so exquisitely fulfilled by him in every aspect and even though I constantly worry he's too good for me and will realize that at any moment- I am starting to believe from the bottom of my heart he's in it for the long haul and this is the man I will live and love and grow old with. This realization in and of itself is scary!! Will I screw it up? Are we enough for each other? Will he grow to hate my laughing and snorting that he says he loves?
I have a relationship with his daughter now that fills my heart to capacity but also tests my patience and my maturity. One day we're like Krystle and Fallon Carrington and the next day I want to braid her hair and tuck her in for bed while singing, "La La Lue" like in Lady and The Tramp. But the point is we're changing...we're evolving and all I know is last Saturday I rushed home from a gig to be with, "my family". I sat in bed with Mark and Savannah eating chips and watching Juno. That's my family. And I love it.

My job is perfect. It really is. I've worked SO hard to finally get here and I'm here and it can only get better I feel. I am working each day surrounded by smart, beautiful, funny women who I REALLY REALLY like. It's like The View minus the idiotic ramblings of Sherri and Elizabeth. We each contribute and I work for a person I respect and believe in who seems to respect and believe in me....I am so grateful and I do my best to make it known but I'm never sure it's enough.

I am learning to say, "no" to people. I am learning to not be bullied into being stretched too thin or just into being plain unhappy. I say, "no" if something doesn't sound good and I take a deep breath and the whole saying "no" debacle wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
I am trying to remind myself of something someone told me recently, "you've gone through enough in your life...maybe you're done now and the Universe is giving you what you've earned. So just enjoy"...I'm trying! I'm TRYING...I'd love to stop trying and just live but you have to understand- Life has always fallen out from underneath me and I'm scared it will again so I almost have always felt the need to plan accordingly. Or beat it to the punch. Which explains having spent the better part of April asking Mark if he'd rather be with someone else -practically signing him up on EHarmony...ANYTHING to do it before I assumed he would. For the record...this kind of behavior is in fact NOT the way to get a guy to settle down and make it official. Weird ,huh? I know.

I have given up on trying to shove my stomachs into the contents of my old skinny jeans. The tight blue jeans with the zipper up the ankles that I wore when I was smokin and had just started dating my boyfriend who eats CAKE for breakfast and red meat. For the Record (again) I cannot eat these things and not gain weight- but I still do and ...I GAIN WEIGHT. The good news is....I think my job will prove to be high-charged enough that maybe I won't eat more than 2 meals a day and my Jewish Guilt (I'm not Jewish..but I try) is kicking in and screaming, "You pay 19.95 to the gym every month! FOR WHAT! FOR WHAAAA!?!" So I'm gonna go again. Some day.

I don't know....I just love whats happening to me. I want it to stay this way...or keep on this track at least. I'm happy. I just...I don't know what to do with it.

I think I can sleep now.

XOXOJAC

Praying for 'Yellow Stuff'

I just checked and I am WAY overdue for a blog!

Since the last entry: March 24th, I clearly caved on day 4 of the No Carb, "Sacred Heart", "Dolly Parton Soup"...what HAVE you, diet and have since experimented with South Beach, Vegans and Laxatives. Only to return to old faithful: Weight Watchers.
It's the only thing that makes any sense! If you're going to try and tell me I can't eat PIZZA...think again. So for a week I did it by the book...point system and all. It was tough but it also really helped me to see portions and calories up close and in person. And I saw that while a few days I had stayed within my points value...I was still ravenous because I had done so with a real lack of fruits and veggies. So now I eat really well mostly whole grains and fruits during the day... I find I am really not hungry much and that way if at dinner Mark wants Wendy's or I want a WaWa Hoagie...I don't have to feel miserable and guilty and fat if we have it. I can also HAVE real pasta if I so choose, or bread or what have you. I'm working out hard core, I feel good. I think the Mucinex D and Claritin are appitite suppresants also so that can't hurt :). In any event. It's a nice feeling to just enjoy and your world's not revolving on when you're eating next which is how I usually felt.

In other news...I've been sick for almost a month now. Mark for almost 2 1/2 weeks...what a MESS. When Cathy and Kim were in town we were driving to pick them up for dinner and all of a sudden I had this weird cough, I felt like I need to clear my throat and by the next morning (of course my first gig with Hollywood Nights) I felt tired , had a runny nose and my voice was starting to go. What started out as severe allergies (which by the way I had never had..on any level) turned into a NASTY sinus infection. Which I believe got even nastier by the fact that I had to go so long without anti biotics. While I am feeling MUCH better...the "yellow stuff" has yet to come out of my nose. I KNOW IT'S IN THERE!!
Warning: the next couple of sentences will be gross! Apparently you can get big chucks of mucus which harden and then the other mucus can't pass. Basically a Mucus Troll under my sinus bridge won't let the "yellow stuff" get out! I have tried it ALL. Herbs, tea, steam, neti pots, nasal sprays, SWIMMING (it was a long shot but I tried...) I've done it all. Basically in the beginning from time to time I would have what my chiropractor referred to as, 'the blow out'...I'd blow my nose and some really gross smelley yellowish green stuff would come out. That hasn't happened for quite some time now. This morning I had my first appearance of yellow stuff come out of the much less congested left nostril. It was brief but exciting none the less. My smell and taste are still nowhere near up to code. And the cruelest twist to all of this....I cannot taste pizza! In a wildly optomistic gesture, during my trip to South Street Monday, I decided to have facial accupressure at a Chinese Med Spa and then venture across the street to Lorenzo and Sons for one of their famous slices. It looked SO good. Like OVERWHELMINGLY delish......couldn't taste SHIT! I wanted to weep. It's been hard. So very hard....but I'm sad/ok to say that I'm coming to terms with the fact that this just might be the way my life goes. And then 5 years from now I'll be on OPRAH discussing how losing my taste/smell opened my eyes to other pleasures and helped my create my foundation for other young girls who love pizza and hate sinus infections.

Really- that's been my life lately. Living, Loving, Sneezing. We've just been exhisting....trying to get better. If Mark's feeling OK one day , he takes care of me. Rubs my back, makes me tea- if I'm feeling OK I take care of him. Rub his back, make him lemonade, force him to try homepathic remedies. I tried to switch the pillows on him last night...I thought it had worked. Until we actually went through our afformentioned drill: Take out the long pillows from the bottom- put them on the floor , stack the other two accordingly. He knew I had replaced his old pillow. He has this pillow....I can't even....I mean, you can practically HEAR the dust mites screaming and eating our flesh. So I thought mayhaps if this wasn't the SOURCE of disease in our house,,,it certainly was an accomplice. So I bought new pillows, washed our cases and tried a switcheroo. When I woke up this morning Mark had switched them in the middle of the night :). Ah well. I tried.
More to come. Until then- Pray for 'Yellow Stuff' people! PRAY!

XOXOJAC

Day 2 : Mellowdrama and Meltdowns

This evening, the end to day 2 of the No Carb Diet went a little something like this:

Jaclyn : Where are the pickles?? :head in fridge: Are you fucking kidding...you're kidding...I'm going to kill someone!

Mark: I guess someone ate em'

Jaclyn: WHO!?!?!

Mark: I don't know babe, someone...I'll go get you some pickles.

Jaclyn: NO!

Mark: YES!

Jaclyn: No...so help me...don't, I don't want you to :Mark heads out: DON'T! DON'T! I Don't WANT THEM!

Mark: You don't? You don't want them?

Jaclyn : No : makes face which suggests I do indeed want pickles:

Mark: You sure, I can go get them. I can eat them on my sandwhich tomorrow

Jaclyn: Well then I'm going with you

Mark: WHY!?

Jaclyn: Because if you're alone and you get into a car crash then you died going to get me PICKLES! And I can't....

Mark: Ok, let's go.

So Long , Farewell

Last night I said Farewell to one of my great loves: Carbohydrates.

Yes-in an effort to kick-start some serious summah summah summah time weight loss, I am trying the sacred heart soup diet. At least until I can get my hands on some crystal meth. I kid. But those horse pill things Rachel Zoe was handing out years ago- I'd go for some of that.

But it's 1pm on day one...and I'm not dying or anything but I would just really enjoy some dry toast. A yogurt? Something. But I am determined to follow this shit to the letter. At least for a week because supposedly, by day 3 I can drop up to
7lbs. Now let day 3 come and only 2lbs have been lost and I will find whoever wrote this out and sit on them while I eat a loaf of pepperoni bread and bounce on their stomach.
But today I can only eat the soup and fruit. Tomorrow I can have the soup and Veggies and then Day 3 I'll get to, "reward" myself with a baked potato. I feel like Oliver. The soup's not bad by any means .....but it's not pizza either. I just absolutely refuse to wear a one piece and/or tankini this summer. It's a hot pink bikini or a tarp. Go big (or small in this case) or go home. I looked DELISH last summer. Granted my last relationship was practically giving me chrones and the man I was seeing monitored every bite I took- but I'm thinking I can get back to my former Delish self in a somewhat-sensible way this time. But again- if you or someone you know have the 411 on where I can get horse pills....lemme know! :)

XOXO
JAC

Health Assurance

Votes have been cast. History has been made. And every one's pissed off on Facebook.
Yes it's clear the new health care reform just cannot please everyone. But it was about time for the President to stop asking around and just make it happen. And he did. And I am THRILLED.

Ya know, I just said to one of my friends, "97% of the people who are angry about this HAVE insurance". So in my little liberal minded opinion, they can't REALLY know or REALLY even care for that matter. You don't know what you've got til it's gone. I certainly didn't. And now as an uninsured, 20something woman living in America- I PRAY for the day I'll get to go see a Doctor again if I'm so inclined. Grateful as I am that this lack of ability to go for some years now has lead me to find great cures and assistance from Homeopathy and healers - I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't mind some amoxycillin once in a while! And does it scare the shit out of me that I can't get a mammogram even though I really should? SURE IT DOES but I try not to think about it! Would I love a dermatologist considering skin cancer runs in my family and the "cute beauty mark" I have on my leg could be killing me? You bet your ass but instead I'll opt for self tanner and a small prayer ceremony, "God wait until I have more than 500$ in my checking and then give me bad news".

For those of you who don't know- I will share with you. In 2007 I was attacked and it goes way beyond those words the awful things that happened to me. It was the beginning of summer and I was insured through my Mom and by being a full time college student. After my attack I required a little over a week of physical recovery. Thankfully my hospital stay and prescriptions were covered by insurance. When I returned to NYC I lasted all of a week before breaking down mentally. I called my best friend and my Mom and begged to come home. I hate the term, but I dropped out of college. I lost my health insurance. I left NYC in August of '07physically "ok" and deeply dangerously depressed. Through time I began to come around to the best of my own ability. But when I wanted to seek help I was unable. Is that fair? Well what's fair? Yes I made the call to drop out of college which was providing me with health coverage...but I could no longer walk down the street without thinking I saw my attacker. There were several occasions where I would "see" him, start sweating, panting and then vomit. I could not stand loud noises, if you "snuck up" on me as a joke- it took me about 2 hours to recover, I couldn't sleep , and I was afraid to be alone. My whole world was crashing around me. What should I have done? I don't know. But I came home and today I am glad I did. I was lucky enough last year to find a therapist who saw me on a "forgiveness" basis. Meaning I had a free appointment with her every week and she never took money from me. She said, "you need someone and I can help you. And so if you stop for coffee on your way, grab me one - if you write a book, give me a copy. Otherwise....no worries" This is rare I know, but I also know she saved me. She helped me go from someone who was running yellow lights hoping they'd get into an accident to someone who is so thankful for everything around me everyday. But I am lucky I found someone as wonderful for FREE. RARELY is that the case. Now , is that fair? To deny someone the chance to be well. To be whole? No, that's not fair. It's not right.

Listen- you don't get a CHOICE about insuring your car. And that's you CAR! Whats wrong with telling people that they HAVE to have insurance on their body....quite frankly this is one decision I don't mind the government making for me. Right on!
Last night while we were watching the 11pm news they read message board comments and one guy named David wrote something to the effect of, "I expect to pay more. As we all should expect to help ourselves and our neighbor" I wanted to find David and hug him. Because WOW, what an idea. Helping your fellow man. I KNOW we all have burdens to bare, and we have to watch out for ourselves and our families. But you give back too. And if you don't, you should. If this planet operated as more of a family than a world full of acquaintances and people only on the lookout for themselves...don't you think we'd be the better for it? I do.

XOXO
JAC

This Cat's an Asshole

Ahh unemployment. Home each day. Much needed beauty rest. Taking a little time to "enjoy The View" at 11am. Going to the gym -my new running mantra being, "you can't be FAT and marry the Track Coach"- they LOVE to hear me chant that one. Learning the joys of crock potting. Contimplating 50 easy ways to cook chicken. Learning lessons the hard way like- leaving defrosted chicken in the microwave (we put it in there so the cat can't get to it) for over 48 hours can lead to one awful smell. Organizing. Masturbating. Food Shopping. Not always in that order but you get the idea. I guess I'd become so focused on being A REAl Housegirlfriend of South Jersey, I had neglected Franki, my cat-my son. The former "man in my life". That was until Wednesday when I saw a black hole. His asshole.

My cats asshole was black as night. And I was beyond perplexed. Now picture it: my kitchen, in, "The Woo" as Mike Angelini calls our town. I am unpacking groceries -trying to throw all my stew ingredients in the crock- and my cat lays down to basque in the sunlight and THE BLACK ASSHOLE is out for all the world to see. "what the hell..." I said....I couldn't figure it out. Did he manage to break into the fireplace and only dip his asshole in the soot? I looked downstairs and our fireplace was still closed. Did he eat some petrfied wood which had escaped from the cinders and now passed the soot through his asshole? The Litter was clear, so no. Did he merely have a soot/asshole fetish? I STILL don't know. I only now his assholes white and fluffy again and I would just prefer it stay that way. Coaxing a cat so it will let you study it's asshole is no simple task and I'm fine with it if it's one I never have to complete again. This isn't one of those things your Mother prepares you for when she's telling you how to keep a house.

Back to this Housegirlfriend business. While I am pleased as punch to announce I was offered a job yesterday which I will begin this Summer- I am really enjoying keeping house. I'm not that great at it but I like it. I just f'ing hate vaccuming. Ugh. And the fact that it doesn't matter how many times I windex my stovetop (the actual oven- not the stuffing)it will inevitably have paw prints on it within 5 minutes. And now maybe even cat's black asshole prints. I'm in the midst of organizing our office. Which is , and well deservedly (is that even an f'ing word?) a shrine to Mark's many athletic undertakings and accomplishments. But I see now reason why "we" should limit a rooms potential and would like to cover any open nooks and panels with highlights from my theatrical career and the many headshots of Ann-Margret and George Michael. I also intend to spend a good portion of my future earnings at The Container Store and put those purchases to good use. But even just as it is- I LOVE our home. Mark's never made me feel like a guest. Or that I'm just passing through. Even our first "sleepover"- I had an overwhelming notion that this was where I belonged. I was thinking of this last night. Anytime I've thought of "going home" or "I want to be in my house" - I've in previous times thought only of my Mom's house. And while that will always be a home which is open to her children, this house- OUR house is my home. It's where my things are, where my heart is, where my love -THE love is. This life we've cultivated and continue to nurture is so lovely. And yes there are parts which are routine- around 11:13pm we take the big pillows out from the bottom of our pillow stacks and thrown them on our respective sides of the bed and flip the navy and white striped pillows to the top- I do this because that pillow is softer and the temperature is cooler/ I think Mark flips his because the gray and white checkered pillow he has is thicker and gives him more support- I play coy most times- I don't take ice and he knows this and I love that- he asks me almost everyday if I talked to my Mom. He will always make 3 parts to a dinner- So do I but at least one part is fucked up when I cook. These are things you can be sure of and I love that. Everything else is a big surprise and even the things at aren't ( I know he will be home by 2:45pm on a typical day and that time feels like Christmas morning everyday) are still wonderful everyday. When he plays guitar and sings it's the sweetest most romantic thing ever and I worship it. Yes folks , Heaven is right here in this house with a green roof. I never doubt that for a second.

~so listen~ I am gonna get going for now but it is my intention ( I know I say this a lot) to start updating at LEAST on a weekly basis. I swear it, on my Cat's asshole.
XOXO
JAC

So Happy Together

A month. A month and a week. A month and a week of being happy. Who knew!?
I sit here blogging, from my new home. My cat has joined our little happy family and he is quite perplexed by his litter box being next to a heater and the idea of stairs. Franki has never lived in a house with stairs before. But he loves the sunlight, the squirrels , and the mere idea of being around me again.

So it's been a month and now a little bit more than a week- and we're together everyday. And we'd be together more , I think, if we could be. He makes me laugh harder than anyone on the planet. He makes me dinner. I've come home every Sunday to fresh flowers....its insane. 3 Bruce Springsteen Concerts, one trip to the ER (I'll explain later) 2 semi-decent attempts to cook for him , and about 30 some odd nights of going to sleep, safe and blissful....I didn't know I could love someone like this. Or rather, someone could love ME like this. About once a week I wake up after he's left for work and there's a note or some lyrics taped to the mirror and it's always something gorgeous, but I keep telling him I wake up ready for the note to say, "I just can't" or "I am gay" or "please pack your things and go" or , "you're chicken was dry; I'm thru"....but instead I get, "I love you" , "Have a great day" and song lyrics that leave me practically in a puddle on the kitchen floor while I make my coffee. He asks me if I'm "sure" I want what he wants. I am more positive than a test at the free clinic. I love him. And that will never change. I can't believe 3 months ago, I just met this guy who played guitar and was cute, and had the greatest smile I've ever seen and now this is the person I lay next to at night and tell everything to. I trust him completely. He has given me everything I ever wanted and things I had NO idea I wanted.

I just want to be ANYWHERE he is. And I so look forward to anything and everything our life together will be because it will be with him.

"Darlin Won't You Ease My Worried Mind..."

Hello my lovely readers!???? Miss me!?!
I missed YOU!

I'm back after a lengthy hiatus. 6 months. YIKES.
Well as most of you know , I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that would rival the screenplay of a LIFETIME movie , from last January until the end of July. Happily though I am free and my life has been something along the lines of a dream come true lately. I mean I could always be thinner and have more money but the feelings of contentment and self worth I've come to know lately....along with the most perfect love ever...I'm just one happy pigeon.

In July I took a vacation with my now X to Jamaica....and of course while I was there I couldn't stay away from our resorts piano bar. Where I of course sang, "FAITH" numerous times and ended up competeing in the Talent Competition belting, "And I Am Telling You" only to receive a bottle of rum and hear the phrase, "there's no winner....everyone wins here!"...I'm still not over that. If it's a competition, SOMEONE better win, and it BETTER be me. - But I digress...
So I'm singing "FAITH", spreading the gospel of George Michael and when I'm done this nice guy approaches me with his lovely wife and says, "that was great...you don't happen to live in Jersey do ya?"....."well as a matter of fact I do!", "really, where?" "Cherry Hill-ish" and he was from Deptford (like for realsies what are the odds) and looking to add a girl singer to his classic rock cover band. And as we all know, Little Jaclyn has been dying to join a classic rock cover band for some time, just had no idea how that would ever come to pass. But here was an opportunity! So I come home from Jamaica, dump the boyfriend , stay in touch with the guy from Jamaica and by mid August I'm singing with the band, Loose Cannons for the first time. And I get up there with these guys at a gig , basically just to jam and see how things go and it's heaven. Like 30 songs I LOVE LOVE LOVE and I'm just living my dream of "fabulous career woman by day/Dana Fuchs' little sister by Night". SO I joined the band.
Now not only do I get to sing my favorite songs but I play with the best guys on the planet. Like, I LOVE my band. We've gotten SO good since we started, it's just incredible.

My first gig went off without a hitch obviously, and yea we had a ways to go and still are growing but from that first night, one thing was clear: I had CRAZY Stevie Nicks/Leslie Buckingham chemistry with my guitarist. Like we just fed off each other, would wink at one another and laugh and chat in between riffs and I just thought he was totes cute and that was that. And then he sang, "layla"....and I was done. I joined in on harmony and that last , "darlin won't you ease ...myyyyy worried.....miiiiiiind." DONE. DONE. DONE. But nothing happened. No drama. It was just clear we were adorable. But it's funny how you throw another skirt into the mix and it all changes. :) Our last gig, "coach" as we shall call him, brought a date. A DATE. in his defense...it was a set up and I had never revealed I had any genuine feelings for him. But I saw this chicklet chatting him up and drinking a beer with her clip in hair and I was about to get Glenn Close. I started texting Sasha, "true life: I am in love with my guitarist but he has some piece here with acrylic hair and a spandex shirt on" to which my bunny responded, "f*ck acrylic hair; go get your man".....after 3 more sets of sexual angst and rock n roll- of busting his balls about bringing a date when everyone knows "sundays at southwood are for flirting"- of him giving me sexy eyes and me telling him to "send michelle home" and half joking that I paid this huge biker guy, Don (who farted on our dance floor) to take her off his hands - I followed him out to his car to see if he needed any , "help". To which he said, "he was fine" and my confidence shriveled up and died momentarily and I started to walk away....he grabbed my arm,and said, "hey...are you serious?" and I said "yes, yes I am". And to be fair- I was serious. I was seriously attracted. All about some sexy guitar time , a little nasty nasty. But we kissed and had there been a word bubble above my head it would have read, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck". Because he kissed me, I kissed back and I basically got clubbed in the knees like Nancy Kerrigan. There's been no turning back. A day later , sitting in a local bar , sharing drinks and stories and finally talking to someone who I actually CARED about what they were saying....I knew I was in love. With my best friend no less. CRAZY. And here I am feeling this and kicking and cursing myself because I had my 'plan'. To be single now, to go to New York in november and hunt for peen with my girlfriends and start taking yoga and learn french once and for all. And so I went to the therapist and told her how "coach" had thrown a monkey wrench in all my plans. And she looked at me and told me I needed to be 100% honest with "Coach" because not only did he sound like a good guy overall but she was pretty sure I had met my soulmate. And so was I.

I tried to have "talk" with "Coach"....."we're at different points in our life....I don't know what I'm going to want in a year or 5...blah blah blah" and then in an instant I just blurted out, "I want to be with you".....and so I am.

I haven't felt this way since I met Brian when I was 16. And I always say to Brian, I listen to that John Mayer song, "I'm gonna find another you"...that it would and could only be someone I had THAT connection with to make me feel this way...and my therapist and I talked about how my person would have to be someone I connected with on that "brian" level, minus the drugs and drama. Someone who, like the dreaded X, had something to show for life but didn't give to get and didn't use me. Someone who wanted to take care of me but not fix me or "keep" me.

And here he is. So the answer seems to me: love him. Love him. stay with him. stay up late kissing and playing songs on the guitar. Just treasure this incredible love that I KNOW does NOT come around that often. He is magnificent. Kind and caring in a way that I had begun to doubt exhisted. Solid to the core. Knows who he is and wants nothing more than for me to be who I am and will do anything to encourage that I am that person. I'm just thanking God for him every minute because he is an angel. I love him. Love him. I know I sound like Renee Zelwegger in "jerry maguire" but I love him.

More to come....
xoxoxJAC

I'm Getting My Act Together

To say the last 24hours has been a nightmare .....that would be the understatement of the year.

To say it was a self inflicted hell ....that sounds  accurate.

I came home Monday morning (having spent the night at Mark's sunday after YAGMCB closed) to grab my salad and yogurt and all my other nonsense and as per usual went to give Franki a kiss. But he wasn't on my bed sleeping. And he wasn't in the basement playing. And he wasn't in the bathroom leaving paw prints on the bathtub....where the f was my cat?

I noticed there was a huge pile of cat SHIT on the porch...and that although there seemed to be no NEW rips in the screens...the small hole I had covered with bricks and such...was pretty exposed and I soon realized my cat was gone. Gone, and probably had been for some time. Panic. Panic , despair, DRAMA, blame....you name it, I felt it.  I just fell apart. I called out of work, and I just sat at my kitchen table and looked out the window.  What else could I do? I know now....I could've done a lot more.  I mean on one hand...yes, I'm glad I stayed home and if he had come back I would've been there but...I should've carried on. I should've kept myself together. And I realized this only today when the cat came back and I regained clarity and perspective. 

 I don't want to be this person.  This, as my boyfriend calls it, "delicate flower" who falls apart and that's that and everyone just takes it in stride and tip toes around it.  I crawled into bed yesterday and closed my eyes and shut out the world and I'm so mad at myself .

If I am going to define myself as a strong woman who works hard and doesn't take any bullshit....well I should probably start living that way. And I really don't know that I do.

I think there's obviously a difference between a soft heart and a soft head....I'm smarter than how I've been living.  Falling apart the way I tend to do simply demonstrates  a lack of control.  Which doesn't work for me...because I am the ONLY ONE who has control over who I am and what I become.  So I'm done.  Yes, I'll still be dramatic. I'll still weep openly every SINGLE TIME I watch , "The Way We Were" and I'll still assume Tony's going to live at the end of , "West Side Story".  But I'm just going to hold it all together with more than a thread from now on.

Luck O' The Irish?

Remember how the Cherry Hill Mall had the WHYY store???  Dear God if that wasn't my favorite place in the WORLD at the time.  And basically my babysitter while my Mother wandered around SEARS trying to figure out which credit card my StepMother hadn't run up.  It opened right around the time WHYY started broadcasting CATS and LES MIS in concert on a daily basis.  And so, not only did I spend my time in the store itself ; I spent my time in there pretending to be: Baumbalurina, Ruthie Henshall, and/or Wishbone (remember Wishbone?).  

And then came Michael Flatley.  The LORD of the Dance.  Mind you, I didn't give a SHIT about Riverdance. I mean it was cool and all but.....it wasn't Lord of the Dance. It didn't have the singing and the excitement and the story. Which is probably why Michael Flatley shot that shit out of a cannon and it became a phenomenon.  I was beside myself over it.  I wanted a claddagh ring, I started reading Irish fairy tales and planned on changing my name to Bridey(THANKS), I dyed my hair red again, I claimed I could speak "celtic" because I had memorized one of the traditional songs from the show and when people tried to call me on it I would say, 'I don't feel like it right now'.  Then I made my Mom buy me a VHS tape that supposedly taught you how to Irish Step Dance with one of the Riverdance guys teaching it.  .......I sprained my ankle trying to learn a reel and that was the end of that career path.  

The only thing left to do?  Why, feature Michael Flatley as the topic of my spanish collage in 7th grade, of course! Wouldn't You?  It went something like, "Michael Flatley e soy dancer. NO gato.  No Loco."....I obviously didn't get a very good grade. Considering I couldn't speak spanish and featured an Irish step dancer as my subject.  Oh Well.  That's true love.

XOXO

JAC

Stick it to Ya

It's always when you're just starting to feel confident about something that life turns around and smacks you upside the head .

I was just starting to really getting the hang of driving stick last friday.  I basically ran errands all day. And from major highways to small shopping centers , I was doing beautifully.  I could listen to music and shift at the same time....life was good.

That was all about to take a drastic turn (for realsies) for the worst.

My final errand was a run to Target for some last minute Charlie Brown things and to try on dresses that were only cut to fit an Olsen Twin.  I was on my way home chatting with Brian on the cell.  The cell was in my lap and on speaker and I still managed to shift and breath and talk......I was a PRO.  As I turned off of Rt 38 onto the exit ramp for the Garden State Shopping Center/Rt70 I looked ahead to see a stop sign. "Shiiiiiiiiiiit" I thought.  I'm really no good at the stop signs pre-major highway.  Mainly because this puts my car on a slant. And then I'm just completely and totally screwed.  You see, there's a "sweet  spot" with the clutch and the gas when you are going from a start into 1st gear....and it's not so hard to find it on level ground but on a slant. Not so much.  So picture it.  Car on slant. Stop. Start. Car begins to roll back into oncoming traffic and as I attempt each time to get it to go.....each time it stalls out.  And so now, not only am I compromising lives...even worse than that I am inconveniencing people beyond belief.  I start to sweat. I start to cry. And my legs begin to shake uncontrollably.  So I am doing everything I can to talk myself off the ledge but by now I am WAY too far gone in my head to get myself back, and even if I wanted to I couldn't get this car to go.  My clutch leg is shaking like Shakira's ass.  I decide that seeing as I am going to A: have to live here on this ramp. B: Miss my opening night and C: Kill myself , I should just roll the windows down and start screaming.  SO thats what I did.

About a minute later, the woman behind me gets out of her car (presumably to kill me) and approaches my window. "I'm SORRY I yell", "Ok calm down....do you think if you could get it to level ground  you could get it to go?" she calmly asks, "YES" I sob....."Ok , I'm gonna give you a push"....and so, this ANGEL, THIS GODDESS proceeds to physically push my car forward on the ramp.  And I just go , and yell, "Thank you, I'm SO SORRY".......and then I went to Wegman's and had a cookie and a water for lunch.  

Now I have to decide if Im ok with avoiding ramps forever or if I will attempt this death defying stunt again.  Considering there are ramps en route to the mall and my boyfriends house....I should probably consider another attempt.  Does anyone have a xanax?

XOXO

JKB

A Lotta Livn' To Do

I'm Baaaack.  I think.  

The family I nanny for has moved to suburbia.  A rather happy situation concerning that my commute in the morning is now about 7 minutes door to door and does not involve a crowded train; but also rather a predicament considering about an hour after I arrive for a day of suburban mothering to a toddler, I start to feel VERY Plath-like. Sylvia Plath. Just wanna make sure we're all together.  They won't have television until after Monday.  While I realize there's plenty o' things I could and SHOULD do with my time other than TV.....I find most of it takes me to a bad place.  The place we shall call, "the "quiet" in my mind".  Only, it's not very quiet...it's LOUD in there. 

 I tried reading.  Bergdorf Blondes, by Plum Sykes.  But its so superficial.  I know. I can't believe I just said that either.  But it is.  And all the "PH" (which is good ol' Plums abreva (no not the herpes stuff) for "Prospective Husband"), Manolos, and talk of pills and started to give me a panic attack the other day.    As I read how the lead character was about to off herself with an advil overdose I considered, "hey , maybe she's onto something.  and I am awful tired".  It was then that I put the book down and took the kid for a walk.  Even if I wasn't a 100% committed to the idea, I was still half crazy but half lucid to know that considering my own demise in any capacity meant a change was needed.  

I felt like I was drowning.  And as much as there were, in my mind, "a million reasons" there were really....I don't know, NONE.  Maybe 2 if I really wanted to get down to brass tacks but really...no.    So rather than expecting deception and dissapointment from everyone and everything in my life, I'm making an effort to believe in and expect truth and happiness.  Which is easier said than done when your boyfriend is 45 minutes away and you can't see him because you're playing a 4 year old who is basically space filler and psycho babble :)  But that's life.

Speaking of.  We open, "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" tomorrow....a labor of love and quite frankly I've never seen my friends so devoted to something and working so hard on something ever.  I however have never felt quite so random in my life.  And while , yes I know, this is the very role which earned Kristin Chenoweth her Tony, she must've been doing meth and Marc Kudisch must've been acting as a dramaturg during their little "engagement" because I'm just in my own little world of confusion.  I feel out of place, and often think they should've cast the two year old child I watch everyday.  She IS Sally Brown.  I on the other hand feel like the only person wearing a one piece at a nude beach.  But I'm amongst friends.  The Dog's easy on the eyes.  And I belt a lot.

In other news...I feel I can now say that I am a true stick shift driver.  I have pretty much mastered neutral to first (which for those of you who don't know- is what you need to do to get started at any stop/go point) and I was having HUGE issues going from 2nd to 3rd which - ha- is a bit of a necessity but Mark sorted it out yesterday and realized my car is a little different than his and you have to go a bit further right into 3rd.  I know no one cares but this realization has made my life a lot easier and has made the roads safer for all of you. So , CARE MORE!

I'm currently in rehearsals for Midsummer Nights Musical as well and it's so fun because , again, it's just a bunch of people I LOVE thrown into a room.  And we sing. And we laugh.  And Kim and I do our best not to look at each other and set the other one off.   We really need to put Nat Chandler's picture back up on the wall though...it just feels wrong without it.  Like, if Rick Astley played a concert and didn't sing, "Never Gonna Give You UP"....just wrong.

I joined Twitter today.  I tweet now.  I think it's stupid. And frankly I don't know why I've been updating it when it's obvious to me that the people I've decided to "follow" on there,( which include a Real Housewife of NYC, Gavin Newsom, and Whole Foods) probably don't give a shit that I had mixed feelings on the L Word series finale.  Yet, I continue to tweet.  I mean if for no other reason than to hear my phone make pretty noises with updates.  Mark gave me an I Phone and it's like crack.  I no longer find myself wanting to bite Erica's fingers off for being a blackberry whore because...I get it now.  The world is literally, SADLY at my fingertips.  The moment Mark gave it to me it was clear he'd made a mistake....I was checking email, checking weather, checking Perez....checking STOCKS.  Mark just said, "I think I just lost my girlfriend"  "Honey, NO! :head burried in typing in banking information:...I can BANK from my PHONE!"

It's just bad all around.  The good news though, is that I can't talk on the phone or text while driving anymore....stick robs you of that option.  It's sad.

Before I end....allow me to enlighten you with one of my favorite moments learning to drive stick.  This was in the early stages, and is a phone call made in urgency to Brian Rivell's cell phone.

Brian: Hi There (slightly kind, slightly , "why are you calling my cell when I'm at work")

Jaclyn: Hi. How do I get this car to stop rolling?

Brian: :laughing: WHAT!?!

Jaclyn: No SERIOUSLY! IT'S ROLLING!

Brian: OK OK...clutch. break. neutral. parking break.

Jaclyn: NO ..WAIT... oh ok. Thanks, bye.

Brian: Bye

XOXO JAC

Because, WHO doesn't love a PARADE!?!

Honestly....how did it get to be December!?!  It seems only yesterday I was sitting al fresco with the Rivells, complaining how only skinny people can enjoy summer because they don't have to wear SPANX under their sundresses. And now, here I am; layered and chapped.  When it's summer I whine for winter and when it's winter I whine for a disposable income so I can go to Puerto Valliarta for a week.  

Everyone's been asking me how I am dealing with the closing of KISS ME KATE.  I'm fine......

Don't get me wrong, I'm sad but I'm not curled up in a ball in the basement humming, "Another Openin' ".....it was such a wonderful experience, but I was EXHAUSTED!  I'm still exhausted.   It was the first time I've ever played a real lead character who was onstage consistently and had 3 very difficult, belt-a-licious songs.  And I am so proud to say I did it alongside an EXTREMELY seasoned and talented cast , especially my 3 fellow principal actors who were the best of the best. I was...I am, SO lucky.  But again, it was VERY difficult and I looked forward to (every night) the end of "Always True To You" every night. Not only in the hopes that I would give people their moneys worth and they would see that I truely love what I do, but also ....because I just couldn't wait for my work to be done :)  I had a degree of paralyzing fear inside of me every single performance until that last song was over, but ( I believe) every night I did it. And I pulled it off.  And the pride I take with me from that is immeasurable.  I'll never forget it.  

Everyone's also asking me, "What's next for you?" .....well I don't know about that.  I finally seem to have found the drive and the courage to put together an "act" for myself. This is something I've been dreaming of for a long time now. I questioned if I was capable, worth watching, old enough ....I mean I questioned everything.  But I am surrounded by love; by a validation and sincerity I've never known.  And there's no more , "Why?" it's only, "Why not?".  So I'm going to make it happen. I've been encouraged to look around, and explore my options where performing goes. And yes, that's the thing to do sometimes and it's wonderful if and when you have many options. At the same token, I like familiarity.  I like to have a "family"...I like the family I've found.  It has been my dream, since I was a kid, to work at the Ritz.  It was the people (many of whom I worked alongside in KISS ME KATE and THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE) who I saw perform at The Ritz, that made me want to perform in the first place.  So when I walk through the door (or fall down the stairs) at The Ritz and people know my voice when I call out to them, and Bruce gives me a hug and I get to hold Kim's hand, share a dressing room with Brian, stretch and vocalize onstage....you name it. I'm beside myself.  There's a song in the Yeston/Kopit PHANTOM called "Home" and it says, 

"All my life I've been waiting in my mind in a rocking chair

For my Fancy to take me where I would know the time

...... I would know the place

Skin would tingle and pulse would race as they do..it's here I'm Home

Where Music fills the air and I'm home where a thousand lovers cry , swoon and sigh.....

and If I sing with all my heart, I'll be home"

Well I feel like I'm home. And I'll continue to grow and maybe I'll stretch my wings but I'm also happy and I'm happy without feeling like I've settled. I feel like people don't take me for granted and there's constantly an opportunity to explore all the things I love. Singing, Acting, Comedy, Writing....I feel more and more artistically satisfied. I'm constantly growing, and how wonderful is that?  I was sitting in Nat's dressing room and I said, "you know I know I'll never be an ingenue, I get it..." and Nat looked at me and said, "well who do you think you are? You are the ingenue in this show. No question." ....I almost died. I felt like screaming, "Look Ma! I'm an ingenue!" What a kick!

Moving On...

One of the best things about not being in KISS ME KATE (or any show really) is that you get your life back. But along with this comes the sadness of being away from a cast of people you grow to love.  Not seeing them all, especially B Rivs on a daily basis is trying....the man is my brother, my dad, my bob fosse, the Ike to my Tina......so Saturday the Rivells killed many birds with a stone covered in glitter and mini blueberry muffins.  Yes, it was open house for the Collingswood Holiday Parade.  And although it was a lot for me to wake up at 8am it was well worth it. Bagels, coffee, kids, dogs, life partners and the would-be surrogates who love them, all gathered to enjoy (and make fun of) the Collingswood "elite".  It was glorious. Brian and I ran after tootsie rolls being thrown from children like Jeff Conaway hobbles after oxycotin.  Melissa played papparazzi and I attempted to stand next to one of those weird carney guys with a Monkey.....I just wanted to stand next to him. HE decided to place the monkey on my head.  I rationalized I've experienced worse moments with middle aged men, could a monkey and the arm of a middle aged carney be any worse?  

A car caught on fire.  And we laughed.  I tried to explain to Brian and Paula what 2 Girls 1 Cup is but Emily was hanging on our every word and then announced she'd like to star in , "once on this island"......then Colin sang selections from "The Woman in White" (jk...but he did do a stunning rendition of Too Darn Hot that gave his father a run for the money).

Thanksgiving was fun as usual.  It's always "fun" to be cornered by your mother in the car. 

The good news is that it gave she and I the opportunity to talk...really talk.  She asked me what I had to do Friday...if I would be picking Erica up from the train. I said, "yea after I go visit Brian" (my brian, not b rivs) ...shockingly we both lived through that admission.  And I explained myself...and I couldn't get over how she actually listened to me. She told me the truth but she saw my side, and more importantly she saw our love for one another.  And though I know she's not thrilled (as many aren't) with our decision she is, as I am, cautiously optimistic. And more importantly, supportive.  

I saw Brian on Friday as usual....I almost didn't get in because apparently, "fashion forward" is not a phrase commonly used in the Philadelphia HOC.  I almost wasn't allowed in because my black longsleeved shrug can be considered a coat. But my eyes filled up, my face turned purple, and I said, "I wear this in here ALL the time, it's a SHRUG, not a COAT! I wore a coat, this is a shrug!" ....The male correctional officer, they called in to play Tim Gunn announced I could wear it if I wrapped in around my waist and put my cinch belt over it. When this was all said and done I told him he was brilliant, because in the end, it looked better that way!  I gave Brian a hug and a kiss and he said, "baby, were you crying" and I sat down and told him the heidi klum "auf wiedersein" horror of it all. But we were fine.   We were together.  It was an incredibly short visit compared to the last one...last time, by some miracle we had an entire hour and a half together.  This time it was a half hour , IF that (the warden was over our PDA....seriously, did I just utter that sentence?)  but Brian told me something that meant so much to me.  He gave me the lyrics to "unchained melody" and it's not like I don't know them...it's not like he had them written in sand script...but he just repeated them to me and I heard them and my heart just filled up.  I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

So...

You may have seen me on the CBS 4pm news. I was the crazed Nanny, child in tow , running back and forth behind Meteorologist, Kathy Orr. You call it crazy but that kid got her start in show biz early and when she wins a subscriber's choice, I'll be laughin' all the way to the Manor to buy her her first Nacho's Grande! SUCKAS!  There was also a grown man dressed as an elf who announced this was his 10th year as "Sprinkles" the Elf and I called my mother and said, "this is why I don't try to work full time as an actress, because I don't want to announce to my friends that I'm in my 10th year as "Sequins" the Elf in order to pay my rent during the Holiday Season. 

Stay Tuned

XOXO

JAC

The Pleasure Seekers...

Well where to begin...

The last 3 weeks or however long it's been since I checked in seem to have flown and dragged by simultaneously.  "KISS ME KATE" is over and I assumed life would go back to "normal"...whatever the hell that is.  It would seem though that now there's a whole new level of "production" that's been added to my world and life is going to be anything but.  

To begin with, Peter, or -"a waste of 31 days" as he will now be referred to, is gone. At our last rendezvous- BTW...if you're a family member you may want to skip ahead :)....Peter told me to come over for a glass of wine and to go in his newly fixed hot tub.  Sounded like my first time in a hot tub was a quick shave and a car ride away. I was wrong.

We sat in his kitchen, looking at each other like science experiments, listening to him apologize for his kitchen table being, again, "a shit hole".  We drank some wine then headed out to the hot tub. This was IT! Or so I thought.....

Once we were submerged I thought I was hot shit , having removed my bathing suit under the bubbles.  But 20 minutes later and still no action , I was annoyed and started looking for the jets...I figured somebody had to get off tonight and it damn well better be me.  Peter kept talking about work...the cold he felt coming on, and how he was going to carpet his guest room. When the jet cycle ended I said, "can you get me a plastic bag for my bathing suit , I'm going now".  And so I did and we've not been in contact since. Thank god.  He was sucking the life force from my veins.  That was a Wednesday....2 weeks ago. 

Friday I went to visit Brian in the big house again.  This time I was alone, and we were going to be able to actually see, and touch each other and sit together. And from the moment we hugged...I think we both knew we were, "in trouble" as they say.  We tried to make light of lots of things and of course we had our inside jokes to make us laugh. But everything we had been through in the last 5 years (ironic) was too much and we really couldn't sweep feelings under the rug anymore.  And the pain of the situation...him being all alone and nothing anyone could do; my pain and frustration and all that we had dealt with and come through and somehow ended up beside each other again, it just sucker punched us both.  We sat and Brian held my hand and didn't take his eyes off me, I tried so hard not to look into his eyes and kept looking all around me.  I put my hand on the back of his neck and told him I forgave him for anything and everything and that I loved him and would always be there for him.  He told me he hoped he would always be in my life and when I told him that without him I didn't have a life...he started to cry. We hugged and I said, "Bri I do not know why we're in each other's lives...I don't know in what capacity we're supposed to be in those lives but I know we have to be there for one another.  It's just the way it goes" And he said, "I don't care what capacity , I just need you with me" and I assured him I would always be there. He told me how beautiful I was and we reminisced about the many summers we'd spent together...emails and poems we'd written, funny names we'd called each other. And before we knew it the time we had was up. We hugged and he just buried his face in my neck and just before we pulled away entirely, we kissed for the first time in nearly 4 years. It was quick but special none the less. I walked to one side and he walked to the other and we both looked back at the same time.  

I walked to my car and was crying. I wanted my best friend to be coming back with me.  I was really happy for a half hour that had given me more joy and meaning than much of what I'd experienced with anyone else in the last year, but it still stung so bad to be leaving alone.  

I had the show all weekend...I didn't have the time to be sad.  I felt more and more confident with each performance and we had received and incredible review from The Courier Post. I finally felt like the hard work had paid off....for once performing felt like a job to be taken to heart not just something I did for a weekend for fun.  

It seemed there was more to play out from my ever-present-past......

This is my , "BLIND ITEM" I guess...you guess/ I know.

I know we all move on from things. That's lovely. I'm over it. But what happened to sensitivity in certain situations? More importantly, and to the point.  If it meant so little to you (I'll be 'respectful' and not name names) a mere few months ago to list your relationship status on such a "fickle" little website as facebook...whats the change?  And how lame can you be? It's playing out like quite the mid-life crisis. It just baffles me.  To have been so wrong about someone. To have given him the benefit of the doubt and said, "he's a good guy.." when clearly he's as selfish as anyone I've ever known.  It's just funny....suddenly his past..his "situation" makes perfect sense. I was upset briefly, now all I can do is laugh..and be greatful...because as Al said, "You didn't love him...you didn't really like him that much. You had some good sex and you drank some great liquor. Now lets be done with it". And I am.

I felt so hurt though...and it's an awful thing to wanna talk to your best friend and all you can do is write a damn letter....I feel like little house on the prairie.  I desperately needed a letter from Brian...just something to know that the person I loved was out there. But there was nothing. Wednesday I had work and then we had our final Wednesday performance of "...KATE"...I was over it. I had been writing to Brian all day, just how I felt, even though it was silly to do this since I would be seeing him in 2 days.  The people I work for were awesome and got home a little early so I could get to the theatre with some time to spare. I did. I did my make up, set my hair, began to put on all of my stuff and realized, "SHIT BALLS I HAVE NO GARTER" It was at home...or so I thought. My Mom was coming to the show with Ron, I had 40 minutes til curtain, to say I was stressed was the understatement of the century. I raced home in my death box of a car and flew through our front door trying not to stop.  But there on our kitchen table was a letter with a huge heart drawn on it....It was from Brian and I lost it.  I didn't even have time to breath let alone read the one thing I needed to ease my mind. To top it all off the damn garter was missing.  I grabbed tights, thigh highs, anything I could find that I could make do with once I got back to the theatre.

Thankfully, once I got home, my "team"...Stephen, Erika, Erienne, Cait, Michelle and Nicole....everyone! Was ready, and willing to help me. I didn't even have to lift a finger. I just stood there and in 5 minutes, my mic was taped, my shoes were buckled, my hair was done and it was, "places". I read my letter and was momentarily annoyed that Brian hadn't written something "poignant" enough for me. I sang my first song and came off to change into my Elizabethan costume. I noticed the envelope had a hidden quote along where it was sealed, "I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot drive the streets at night, I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind. Did I make it that she's able to walk right in and out of my life?" I had to hold back tears....as always, I had underestimated our connection. He knew, somehow, what I needed to hear. In an instant I felt calm. 

I decided to join Jaimie and the rest of the world Thursday night to see TWILIGHT. I ordered my tickets and Erica was going to join me after a romantic dinner for two of pizza hut. What else?

We got to the Loews in Cherry Hill and fandango couldn't retrieve my tickets...I asked for assistance from the hobbit working the desk and he asked me to pull up my confirmation on Erica's blackberry. I did and he informed me, "Ma'am...you bought tickets to see the film at Cinemark." Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

We left. Erica was over me. Jaimie was over me. I was over me. The vampires were over me. Then we got home and Erica handed me a box to carry. So I did. Because wives carry boxes.It was raining and I promptly twisted my bad ankle in the driveway. I decided God was telling me to get my ass inside or be struck down by lightening.  I went to bed looking forward to tomorrow because I was going to see Brian again.

I slept in, showered and was on my way! You've never seen someone so excited to go to prison! I felt like Velma Kelly!

I arrived at the detention center and waited to be called only to find out when I was that Brian had been moved next door to the house of corrections which was actually a good thing.

His custody level was down. As I waited in this new place the "ladies" began to swap stories. One such lucious specimen began to inspire us with the story of one of the inmates "bitches" who had recently been detained. She explained, ever so delicately (she only had one front tooth afterall), "WHAT you gonna do if you in here...he ain't gonna come visit you! Ain't nobody comin to bail your ass out now! And ain't nobody gonna write your dumbass a letter and even if he did, he write to me and I would write back...IN RED PEN, 'LOVE DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE....PLAYA"......well...I was on the floor after that. Not only was it the laugh that being in prison waiting to see the man I loved, I truely needed, but I also found the title for my one woman show :)

Brian and I were somehow lucky enough to visit an hour and a half with each other. No one came to get me after my scheduled half hour. We didn't argue, or ask, we just held hands and talked. Constantly reminding the other that we loved each other.  And somehow came to the conclusion that we're just not sure it's all said and done as far as our relationship goes.

I'll close here for now, though clearly there's more to write about with the closing of "...Kate".

Before anyone comes to tell me off about my present choice where Bri and I are concerned. I am not stupid. I am not living in a fantasy. I try to but believe me I've been through too much to be that naive(that's evian spelled backward). I am HOPEFUL. I'd like to think you can end up with your first love or at least write a brilliant song about it, like Jon and Dana did :)

More to come! Enjoy Guru Kim and Miss Jenn :)

STAY TUNED! 

XOXO

JAC

"Carrie Likes a JAZZZZZZZ Man"

OK. KISS ME KATE is over....sadly yet inevitably and though it hurts my heart to leave this complete joy of an experience- the upside, Dear Readers, is now I can update again!

Which is what I plan to do as soon as I return from WHOLE FOODS and Wegmans with Tep. I  am planting myself firmly on my couch with Erica...and anyone else who cares to join, for that matter :)  And I will update you all on the last 2 weeks. WHEW! What MADNESS! To give you some insight...I went to bed at 7am .....ahhhhh what crazy cast parties and Fred's sensual Cosmopolitans can do.  Ok....SO have no fear. An update is on it's way, and a change is gonna come.  Meanwhile...I just "discovered" David Bowie's later musical contributions and I think I'm a little in love with Black Tie White Noise. RANDOM.

Stay Tuned

xoxo

JAC

Holly Golightly- A Mellowdrama

I went to bed at 6:30 this morning.  Don't ask.

But being as it's Saturday and I don't have my show until later...I figured I could sleep in and be just peachy. Around 9am my precious prince of a cat wanted to go out on the porch, as usual. Bless him , he waited longer than he usually does to torture me. So I got up out of bed in my sweatpants, threw a pillow over my boobs, and let him out to our screened in porch.  Now...there is a hole in one of the screens but it's been dutifully covered with a cardboard box and a milk crate. Smart, right? Hmmmmm.

So When I woke up at 1:15pm, the first place I looked...as per usual, was the porch.  It was at this point that my life began to play out in slow motion...I noticed boxes were knocked over. And then I glanced right, and saw the box that blocks the escape route was knocked over and my cat was gone.  Now I know most people love their animals...but I LOVE Franki.  He's my child.  I worry about him constantly. And I'll be the first to acknowledge it's not normal but I will not dignify it as , "unhealthy".  I just happen to really love him and worry greatly about him. I feel like he was traumatized as a kitten and I owe it to him to give him as lovely a life as possible. So anything that compromises that , gives me great anxiety.  

So I go outside, he's GONE. I start hysterical screaming , crying. It's RAINING. And he's a baby. He's very co-dependent....that's why we get along so well.  So...not only is he missing, but he's out in the RAIN and alone, and it's cold ...and there are CARS...it was just too much. I wanted to die.  I'm screaming his name, in sweatpants, barefeet, a Park City Utah tshirt and plent o' zit cream. I'm shaking his bag of food...Im on the phone with my Mother SCREAMING (she, by the way is ready to have me commited). It's just awful. I went to my neighbor's...their child is inept and said , "I see cats walking around all the time"....WELL THANKS, DOUCHE! I left her mid-sentence because I could tell she wasn't getting me anywhere and I was losing valuable search time. Then just as I answer the phone, I'm walking back to my house sobbing, and Franki runs on the porch and I scooped him up and we wept together. Like "Breakfast at Tiffany's".  Now , obviously I'm blogging, and my precious baby is asleep on a soft pillow beside me. 

And he's never going outside again.

Stay Tuned.

XOXOJAC

"Shut Up and Let Me GO"

Honestly....I have every "I'm over it" type song playing on a loop in my brain.

WHY is it...just when you decide you are over something...or someONE rather, there they be!

Tuesday I had officially decided , Barack's in the White House...time for a CHANGE all over.  I decided to be DONE. DONE. DONE, with Peter.  Peter is a doll. VERY nice, has not- for the record- done anything cruel or anything it's just...ehhhhh. "He was the equivalent of a DKNY dress, you know it's not your style but you try it on anyway" ~Carrie Bradshaw.  He's super sweet. We do get along great. But.......I don't feel any longing for him or anything. And this could just be a lack of chemistry or as I've repeatedly stated....it's quite difficult to care for someone if you don't spend enough time together to get to know him.  

Obviously you can guess....Peter and I haven't exactly been spending a ton of time together. Nor do I know that for either of us it's a priority to, though out of the two of us I would say it's more a priority for me and I'm over that.  So Tuesday I made up my mind to be done with it. No hard feelings but if you can't find the time to call me back , I can't find the time to stress over it. So Tuesday came and went and I TRUELY was just completely over it.  And fine. NO harm done. "There is nothing lost".  So I'm onstage last night and I come back to get ready for act two, check on my phone to see that I have a missed call and voicemail....since the only people who call me these days are women, men with life partners, and collection agents, I just assumed it was no biggie.  Check to see: It's Peter.  He left a voicemail saying he was "SO sorry" he hadn't gotten back to me and "PLEASE" accept his apology. BLAH. I called back, no answer and he didn't return my call until today.  Then he came over with lunch and I was too chicken shit to bring up how his bull shit excuses didn't matter to me and if we're not going to communicate then this really isn't worth my time. So I basically contradicted the HELL out of myself with my deafening silence. I am a douche.  But....it's not like we're exclusive. It's not like we're going to the Governor's ball....there's no deadline or anything. I just don't CARE enough to worry. If we hang out again, lovely. If not. I guess I'll have more time to watch re-runs of Designing Women.

I'd like to think I have a lot to offer someone else. But I HARDLY want to offer that to just anyone.  I don't want to spend my time being with just anybody. Monogamy is not a grand ol' time...unless it's  with the absolute right person for you.  Sadly, I would like to spend that time with a person in "the big house"...."but that's another story, nevermind, anyway....."

Anyhoo...on with a recap of my most recent events.

I was Rosie the Riveter for Halloween. Apparently I was confused for the following: Harriet Tubman, Myself, and Bette Midler. Charming.  I happen to think I looked adorable. Bubby Ellen came to see the show with Zadie Roger (these are my ficticious jewish grandparents....well they in fact are real but they're not really my grandparents. I just pretend. Like I pretend I won't die alone.

Ellen loved the show and said I was "tiny" and "skinny" because Grandmothers lie and that's why we love them.  Bubby Ellen was the Ritz's ORIGINAL Lois Lane and I felt so relieved and happy that she loved my performance as much as she did.  It was an honor.  I imagine it's what Stephanie J. Block felt when she met Liza Minelli during "Boy From Oz".

Brian and I decided to hate eachother for about 72hours with a deep lovers quarrel which included screaming, tears, kissing on the CHEEK in Bianca (he says I turned my head, I said he was deliberate) and emails emails emails. We're over it now and have decided to join forces and collectively hate other people. It's funner.

Monday Erica and I piled in the ol Liberal Fast Food Band Wagon to make two stops on a tour f Philadelphia. The first to drop off Alicia's car for a tune up , the second, to visit my ex boyfriend in Jail. One of these things is not like the other......

This was the first time I'd ever been to visit him in jail. Because visiting someone I love in jail is not exactly something I like to make a habit of.  Anyhow.  When you do visit you have to sign in by 4:30 pm. Mind you, inmates get a specific visiting day according to last name. Brians (not Rivell) is Monday. BTW Philadelphia Office of Corrections....I have a life and it's difficult to make , "arrive at prison by 4:30" apart of my list of "to do's " ...thankfully I had off. I picked Erica up from school and off we went to prison. But first, the car.  We got lost trying to find the mechanic for Alicias car , so for the sake of time we decided to give up on dropping of the car for the moment and head towards the jail. But we got lost trying to get there too. At 4:20 I decided we should ask for directions. At the ZOO. The Zoo. Where children's dreams come true. The ZOO where bear cubs nuzzle their mamas and ape's sign , "I love you". The Zoo , where Jaclyn pulled up, rolled down the window and shouted, "Excuse me, HOW DO I GET TO THE PRISON!?!"....thankfully (though im not surprised) someone on staff knew exactly how. 

At 4:32 we arrived in the parking lot. We were at the Prison by 4:40. And the bastards wouldn't let us in. Debate as we may. And cry as I did. They would NOT let us in. It was awful. I kept imagining Brian relying the SOMEONE would be in the visit him and NO ONE showed. I felt awful. Thankfully a nice warden informed us we could come back any day even if it wasn't his assigned day and visit, we just wouldn't have the usual amount of time. So we left feeling a bit better. FINALLY found the car dealership and ate our feelings at a Burger King which seemed to be in full support of Barack Obama. So we felt more justified in eating our feelings.

We got home and packed our bags to head to the shore for the night like your average same sex couple.

Once in Avalon we bought more food at WaWa where a particularly bitter checkout boy named, Jackson who was brewing his own tea in some sort of strange mug had his SUNGLASSES on at 11:30 at night. I told him he resembled Rick Ocasek and he decided to then take out what I believe is YEARS of pent up sexual and emotional frustration out on me and scream "fuck" several times. Poor Jackson. We could've been SO happy together.

We continued to take in the shore breeze and unpacked the jeep soothed by the sounds of the sea...Erica walks in and sets off the alarm.  I would've helped her turn it off but I had already begun to eat my shortie. So instead I asked her if she wanted my pickles.  Once the alarm was disarmed we spooned on the couch with a bag of HERRS and watched an especially supreme episode of INTERVENTION about a charming young girl who resembled Templeton from Charlotte's Web who was huffing on Dust Cleaner.  Erica was disturbed but I loved it.  I also explained to Erica that one day when I have health insurance again I plan to develop some sort of addiction so I can fall apart and go to rehab.  Erica quipped, "but Jac if it was on your insurance it would only be 28 days, "....actually first she told me I was insane, and then the other thing, and I said, "That's fine, its 28 days more than I had to myself."

We finished INTERVENTION, got into a facebook messenger political war with some republican pig I went to high school with, took baths in the jacuzzi, then went to bed.

We woke up early so Erica could vote in Avalon.  I had a war with the old bitties who told me I couldn't wear my "Shalom Obama" and "Women for Obama" pins inside but allowed some Granny with a McCain sticker to stroll around the gym for 20 minutes. Then I VOTED for the first time! It was MAGIC! Then we had eggs at Medford Bagel...then we saw people we knew and had to flee.  And it was on our way to jail we went. 

After waiting for two hours, making friends with women who were there to see , "my babies daddy" and a young angry girl named Jules who kept screaming at me, "Don't let him see you cry he'll; know he got to you" (thanks Jules) we finally got called in to see Brian. I lost my shit several times but considerably so when I discovered Brian was in , "the hole" because he was in a fight and broke his hand, and now we would have to talk through plexi glass like American Gigolo.  I pulled myself together and was so overwhelmed with a beautiful calm and an enduring love to see him. We had a really wonderful visit and I was so happy we went.

OK,I have to go shower and eat because I'm so hyped up on caffeine I can't really type anymore.

And Mom's taking me for dinner because I called and made her feel guilty. Because that's what children do. Maybe tonight Peter will ask me to come over for a glass of wine and to look at eachother and not talk about our feelings. Won't that be fun?!

Stay Tuned

XOXO

JAC 

Happy Days Are Here Again

What an incredible election! What an overwhelming miracle the last 24hours has been!

I said to Nat last night, this is the first time I have truely felt that I did something with my life.  HONESTLY.  It was my first election I voted in and to push that button....it was surreal.

I can remember so clearly sitting with my big sister during the election with Gore.....cheering and hopeful for the future. Then crying and feeling so completely lost watching hope slip away. And since that time...these eight terrifying years, I have never felt safe. Never felt secure. Never felt protected by this "idea" of America....because sadly, for eight years the idea of America has been trampled on and mistreated. And last night, we were great again.  I was enormously proud of Senator McCain. His speech was beautiful and to the point and we finally got a glimpse of the man we all used to really respect.  There seemed to be a bit of a chill between the Senator and Govenor Palin. And rightfully so. I'm not complaining with the current result (BELIEVE ME) but I think perhaps, had Senator McCain made a wiser choice for a running mate (any skirt will never do) we could've seen at least a tighter race if not a completely different end result.

I hope we've heard the last of Sarah Palin.  Think me erratic, but the woman, in my opinion is Hitler in a skirt.  She is the Grim Reaper of Women's Rights.  Frightful.  I just hope she will go back to Alaska, stay there.  Let her be an advocate of all the things she said she would be an advocate for, and let her do it away from me.

On to the new PRESIDENT ELECT! President Barack Obama!  "Change has come to America".  14 million of us who had never voted before , did so yesterday.  It was magic.  WE DID IT! And....We spoke clearly and loudly.  We won by a LANDSLIDE.  It was overwhelming....it all happened so fast. I really thought I would have to go to bed in fear I would wake up to more of the same. But at 11pm it was clear and lovely.  It was a miracle.  A wave of hope, joy, and peace came over me. Again, I felt safe in my country and for the first time in a long time PROUD to be an American. No longer did I feel this was a snotty elitist nation trying to get by on greed alone.  We're again , "the land of the free and the home of the brave".  We can call what all of us stood up to do yesterday bravery....but really everyone, it was common sense. We can no longer reward only the wealthy. If this is indeed the land of opportunity, let it be so and I  believe it will be so.  It won't be easy, and I am greatful for President Obama's honesty where these truths are concerned.  But we're going to get there.

I am sad for the comments of close minded Republican ticket supporters who's facebook, myspace and twitter and what-have-you comments, that I have read. And yes, maybe I am wrong, but I've deleted many of them as friends. I don't have the time and frankly can't envision myself in association (at least currently) with such people. May I remind them, the man they followed graciously acknowledged his defeat and asked  them to support their new President.  If these people really are, "country first" you would think perhaps Patriotism could overturn Biggotry (sp) we'll see. 

Ok. Tomorrow I plan to write a more, "jaclyn kay" type blog.  Something with glitter, ibs, sex and designing women.

Stay Tuned,

JAC

I'm special....

I have a habit...I've noticed...of title-ing a blog something that will relate to what I intend the blog to be about and then...completely leaving that "something" out of the blog.

ALA- "slightly streepy", in reference to Meryl Streep's tumble in "death becomes her" was to relay to my tumble down the stairs because Mark said thats what I looked like, and then, I never made mention of it in said blog.

Such was the case with "A bottle of White....a WHOLE Bottle..."  

The night prior...we had our photo shoot with Nat. I think I talked about that...I hope.

And it was lovely. Then we had some chow and libation with Nat as well. And I drank my weight in pinot grigio. Odd, as I had  started the night off with my true love, Diet Coke. And planned to remain monogamous. Later I thought, "oh how I would enjoy a glass of white , fireside.." yes...I thought it just like that. And I opened a bottle called, "stella notte" and Stella and I had a one night stand. 3 hours later, I'd missed RUNWAY at Joey's, revealed more about my passion for Marin Mazzie than you should ever tell someone you just met who MAY or MAY NOT be friends with Marin Mazzie, and finished off Stella...that saucy bitch.

so yea, thats why that was the blog title.

In other news...

I like to (well I don't like to) have a nervous breakdown a week or so before opening with every show I do. But this time, I moved things along and had one Thursday night.  Now brace yourself for this...

I am VERY insecure.  VERY.  And I often doubt myself (GASP). But then the show goes on as it always does and I realize I am capable and maybe even a little talented and everyone's happy and we all take a bow like Madonna. However...that usually isn't preceeded by an ankle fracture and tumble down a flight of stairs. So this particular run I've been, in Mark's words, "a ball of nerves" and its true. I feel like Fosca...like I'm missing a layer of skin. I'm afraid to get out of my bed let alone trot down a staircase ,"while belting high c's and preparing souflees". So Thursday night when we arrived to choreograph , "We Open on Thursday"...I mean, "We Open in Venice" and I saw that spiral staircase of death.....I almost vomitted. And after 3 hours of sassing Mark, rolling my eyes, sweating like Shelby in Steel Magnolias and being on the verge of tears,  I lost my shit and Mark held me and we talked and now everything's lovely and I'm gonna dance like SJP in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"....this role is mine. And I came to play.

Stay Tuned

JAC

"A Bottle a' White..." A WHOLE Bottle

Ok. CLEARLY I suck at updates.  In my defense...I don't like to update from my place of employment...as , clearly if the people I work for really knew the level of my insanity...they wouldn't let me look at their child let alone spend the entire week with her. Just Kidding. I am the best Nanny EVER. But it is true, I no longer update from work...and after KMK rehearsals I like to spend the hour before I go to bed with Rachel Zoe and my roomates and ice-ing down various body parts that have faced torment at the hands of Mark "Jerry Robbins" Lenard.

But today, thanks to the chosen people ( I hope to be one someday) I have time to update and eat eggs while they fast and take the kid to temple.  So SHALOM dear readers.  

Much has taken place since last we spoke and I was recreating scenes from "Death Becomes Her" on the stairs of The Ritz.  I had a rancid case of strep throat and living in our current world where I am uninsured and poor I had to take the "holistic" approach. Which actually I am THRILLED to do, but it would be nice to have the option to seek eastern medicine. Obama 08'.

ANYHOO.  So I depleted WHOLE FOODS and Wegmans of their Coldcalm supply. A drug which I now swear by. It literally knocked strep throat out of me. Astonishing.  SO I fell down stairs, I got strep and during the strep drama I decided I should try every homeopathic cure I can find online and thus we begin the tale of the neti nightmare.

I read somewhere that its not only helpful to gargle with apple cider vinegar but to neti pot with it as well. So I'm at home...an hour before rehearsal. It's a thursday night and I'm feeling like shit.  But I know after rehearsal I have the entire weekend to get myself better, or at least try to.  So I put water on to make tea for rehearsal and when its done I make said tea and I also rationalize (as only I could) that hotter water will kill more germs. PS everytime I now recount this story and say that outloud...I wonder how I could make that assumption.  All I can say is I was SO sick and felt SO awful I would've tried anything if I thought it would heal me. SO hotter water; more germs killed.  So I pour boiling hot water mixed with apple cider vinegar into my neti pot.....hunch over my sink.....and burn the shit out of my brain, my eyes and my senses.  I immediately felt like I was swimming in a sea of HELL. And no matter how hard I blew my nose I couldn't get that HEAT out of my head.  It was a nightmare. And I also begin to realize...oh, I can't SMELL OR TASTE ANYTHING. And I have to be at rehearsal in 15 minutes. SPLENDID. I get there. No makeup. Snot falling. Eyes puffy. Bruce takes me aside to console what he assumes is a breakdown over the whole Marc break up. To which I reply, "No I dont give a SHIT about Marc...I'm sick. and I BURNT my nose!".

Having JUST regained my taste and smell this week , I can now look back and laugh but last week and the week before....I kept thinking all the things I may never experience again. Like can you IMAGINE not being able to know what you smell like. Or taste food??? It was awful. One of my favorite indulgences in perfume...and I couldn't smell. It was so depressing. But it's over now.

NEXT.

So eventually I got over my sickness. My bruises from falling are almost completely gone. I can smell and taste.  And on Tuesday, Nat  our , "guest artist" arrived. And he is divine.  It means a lot to me to be working with someone I've admired for so long....I've never really been in this situation before but I do know that it could've gone a number of different ways. THANKFULLY he is lovely, hilarious, talented and looks great in a pirate boot. Who could ask for ANYTHING MORRRRRRRRRE!

And the great news is...

The new season of The Real Housewives just started.  This "kim" character...is a f*ckin half wit. And I love her.

Stay Tuned...